IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

In many government like to spend more money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However some think government should spend more on health and education. Discuss both side and give your opinion.

#government #money #arts #people #think #health #education #side
Certain individuals claim that the
country
's budget should be spent on the arts,
while
 other people think that spending money on health and education is better.
Although
 creative masterpieces can bring benefits associated with cultural identity, I agree with the second statement because it provide a better life for the residents of the nation. On the one hand, money spent on creative activities can promote the nation. Thanks to financial help members of various industries of art will start to create more exhibitions or festivals, which can attract the young generation to
this
 field.
As a result
, the expansion of abilities
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
helps students with unusual ideas not to limit themself.
Subsequently
, the popularity of great artworks will increase and even leave a mark on history.
For example
, "Starry Night" is a well-known painting by the Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh, which is one of the main objects that attracts millions of tourists from all over the world.
However
, I do not think that
this
 result can be considered as the biggest advantage.
On the other hand
, improved health services and good education are the signs of the developed province.
In other
words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 taking care of people of all ages will raise the demographic state and the average lifespan will be higher,
while
 the increased number of high-quality educational centres
such
 as schools and universities can result in successful young scientists and experts.
For instance
, the survey conducted in Japan revealed that 65% of the
country
's budget goes into financial support for teaching, which is the main reason for the fact that
this
country
 is well developed. I think that it is crucial
due to
 the long-term consequences.
To conclude
, even if money spent on art brings a lot of benefit to a
country
 in terms of popularity, I strongly believe states should pay more attention to other fields because a developed province is the key to a good life for inhabitants.
Submitted by Aqxniet on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully developed and supported with more specific examples and detailed explanations. This can strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Strive for greater coherence by improving the transitions between ideas and paragraphs. This will help in presenting your arguments in a more logical and smooth manner.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which shows a deep understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as the reference to Vincent van Gogh and the survey in Japan, adds credibility to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocate
  • lavish
  • cultivate
  • preserve
  • heritage
  • promote
  • enrich
  • stimulate
  • patronage
  • advocate
  • allocate
  • funding
  • essential
  • accessible
  • improve
  • enhance
  • well-being
  • invest
  • research
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: