IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some People Think That the Government Should Pay for Health Care and Education, but Others Believe It Is Not the Government’s Responsibility. Discuss Both Views and Give Your Own Opinion.

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People
Use synonyms
 hold distinct views on whether
governments
Use synonyms
 should bear the expense
on
Change preposition
of
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 citizens’ health care and education. I would argue that
governments
Use synonyms
 are supposed to stand a big part of the expenditure. On the one hand, it is sometimes argued that
governments
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 ought to be responsible for citizens’ medical and educational
charge
Fix the agreement mistake
charges
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.
People
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 nowadays are suffering
the
Change preposition
from the
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 high cost of medical treatment and prescription medicines.
For example
Linking Words
, patients who are treated in ICU are required to pay around 10,000 CNY every day, which is unaffordable for most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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families in China. If
governments
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 pay for the spending on health care, sick individuals who give up therapies for lack of money will have
likelihood
Add an article
the likelihood
a likelihood
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 to be cured.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, children born in destitute families are not allowed to attend schools, which means they do not have opportunities to break their plights. With
the
Correct article usage
apply
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financial help from
governments
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, these children will have access to education and resolve their difficulties.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
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 think that payment for the two items should not be included in the
Use synonyms
governments’
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government’s
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 responsibilities.
Governments
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 are expected to spend their funds on building infrastructures and improving national security. The public purse cannot
additionally
Linking Words
 stand the huge cost, especially in the big countries with large populations, unless citizens are
imposed
Verb problem
forced
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 to pay higher taxes than before.
However
Linking Words
, it is virtually impossible to achieve since
this
Linking Words
 proposal merely benefits the individuals who are poor.
Also
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 action will encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to take unnecessary medical
check-up
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check-ups
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 and courses, augmenting the financial burden of the countries. In conclusion, I think it is conducive for citizens if
governments
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 pay the majority of residents’ expenditures on schooling and medical treatment, in consideration of the financial problem and humanity.

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task achievement
Your essay effectively presents both views on the topic and your own opinion. However, to strengthen your essay, strive to provide more balanced arguments for both perspectives. Make sure to add more relevant examples to support the points made, especially for the side you oppose.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is logically structured and flows well, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother. Consider using linking phrases to clearly show the relation between ideas and arguments. This will make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Try to diversify sentence structures and use more synonyms to avoid repetition, especially within the same paragraph. This will enrich your vocabulary range and demonstrate a higher level of writing proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly presents the topic and your stance, making it easy for the reader to understand the essay's direction from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and the arguments presented, providing a clear ending to the essay.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples that help in illustrating your points, which adds credibility to your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • basic services
  • inequality
  • social cohesion
  • public health
  • well-being
  • human capital
  • economic development
  • individual responsibility
  • educational attainment
  • taxpayers
  • inefficiency
  • lack of choice
  • private sector
  • quality
  • innovation
  • accessible
  • affordable
  • role
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