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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some cultures think old people are of higher value than the youth, while other cultures value the youth more. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#cultures #people #value #youth
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We live in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 world that has a various cultural difference.
Cultures
Use synonyms
 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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occurred
due to
Linking Words
 maintaining the habits and routines of
people
Use synonyms
 who
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other in society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, culture is affected by religions, wars, circumstances et cetera.
Cultures
Use synonyms
 influence the values of different ages. Every person has a great
value
Use synonyms
 and
that is
Linking Words
 not discussible.
However
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 some
cultures
Use synonyms
, old
people
Use synonyms
 have a higher
value
Use synonyms
 than youth.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, other
cultures
Use synonyms
value
Use synonyms
 the youth more.
As a result
Linking Words
, we have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
two
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
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 of
cultures
Use synonyms
 to
giving
Wrong verb form
give
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value
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
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 different ages.
To begin
Linking Words
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 regarding the first type of
Use synonyms
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
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, they give more
value
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
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 elderly
people
Use synonyms
 than
youths
Use synonyms
 since elderly
people
Use synonyms
 have a great experience.
Further
Linking Words
, they worked and served a lot for their family, country, or themselves. Everybody must respect them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
youths
Use synonyms
 have less experience and knowledge. They cannot decide which is good or bad. Continuously, regarding the second type of
Use synonyms
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
show examples
,
youths
Use synonyms
 are
valuable
Correct quantifier usage
more valuable
show examples
 than old
people
Use synonyms
. There are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 reasons for thinking like that.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
youths
Use synonyms
 are our future, we will build a future with the
youths
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, they are more effective, creative, and social. They can catch the speed of
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
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 world
instead
Linking Words
 of old
people
Use synonyms
.
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion,
Cultures
Use synonyms
 can have differences, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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, having different values between different ages
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 normal.
According to
Linking Words
 me, as a young person, in the modern world, catching the features and, being effective and creative are necessary.
However
Linking Words
, old
people
Use synonyms
 have a problem with it. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, I
am agree
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 with
second
Change the article
the second
show examples
 type of culture.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. For instance, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea, and use linking words to connect your ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Instead of general statements, include concrete instances or case studies.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both sides of the topic, fulfilling the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains an introduction and conclusion, helping to frame your arguments well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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