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Band 4.5

Some cultures think old people are of higher value than the youth, while other cultures value the youth more. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#cultures #people #value #youth
We live in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 world that has a various cultural difference.
Cultures
 have
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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occurred
due to
 maintaining the habits and routines of
people
 who
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other in society.
On the other hand
, culture is affected by religions, wars, circumstances et cetera.
Cultures
 influence the values of different ages. Every person has a great
value
 and
that is
 not discussible.
However
,
according to
 some
cultures
, old
people
 have a higher
value
 than youth.
On the contrary
, other
cultures
value
 the youth more.
As a result
, we have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
two
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
show examples
 of
cultures
 to
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
value
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 different ages.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 regarding the first type of
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
show examples
, they give more
value
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 elderly
people
 than
youths
 since elderly
people
 have a great experience.
Further
, they worked and served a lot for their family, country, or themselves. Everybody must respect them.
On the other hand
,
youths
 have less experience and knowledge. They cannot decide which is good or bad. Continuously, regarding the second type of
cultures
Fix the agreement mistake
culture
show examples
,
youths
 are
valuable
Correct quantifier usage
more valuable
show examples
 than old
people
. There are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 reasons for thinking like that.
Firstly
,
youths
 are our future, we will build a future with the
youths
.
Secondly
, they are more effective, creative, and social. They can catch the speed of
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 world
instead
 of old
people
.
As
Change preposition
In
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion,
Cultures
 can have differences, so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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, having different values between different ages
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 normal.
According to
 me, as a young person, in the modern world, catching the features and, being effective and creative are necessary.
However
, old
people
 have a problem with it. So
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
, I
am agree
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 with
second
Change the article
the second
show examples
 type of culture.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. For instance, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea, and use linking words to connect your ideas more smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to support your points. Instead of general statements, include concrete instances or case studies.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both sides of the topic, fulfilling the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains an introduction and conclusion, helping to frame your arguments well.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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