THE WORLD TODAY IS A SAFER PLACE THAN IT WAS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, AND GOVERNMENT SHOULD STOP SPENDING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON THEIR ARMED FORCES. To what extent do you agree.
These days, technology has been developing really fast, so the world become safer than a century ago;
as a result
, a group of people
advise that governments stop investment in their armies. I subscribe to this
idea owing to the fact that when the governments do not spend a lot of money on their armed forces, then
they can improve their countries
and the world will become a safe area for all people
who live in it.
On the one hand, when the amount of money which authorities spend on their military's aims dips, they can use it to improve people
's lives,
and leap their economy. Remove the comma
apply
Firstly
, they can climb
the number of devices which help their citizens to have Verb problem
increase
a good lifestyles
Correct the article-noun agreement
a good lifestyle
good lifestyles
such
as good public transportation, reduced crimes with good safety cameras, and other things. Secondly
, if they do not fund for military, they will their countrie's
Correct your spelling
countries
country's
econmomies
Correct your spelling
economies
economics
with
establish factories, send their product to other Change preposition
apply
countries
, and build districts for raising
the figure of Change preposition
to raise
torists
.
Correct your spelling
tourists
On the other hand
, when adminestartions
do not Correct your spelling
administrations
evoulve
Correct your spelling
evolve
thier
Correct your spelling
their
miliaritie's
facilities, the Correct your spelling
familiarities
competions
Correct your spelling
competition
of
power will Change preposition
for
be declining
Wrong verb form
decline
immidiatly
; Correct your spelling
immediately
therfore
, international inhabitants do not worry about Correct your spelling
therefore
the
wars and Correct article usage
apply
countries
must not spend a lot of money on solving the damages which are
the result of fights, Correct subject-verb agreement
is
while
they are able to have more profits inasmuch as safeties countries
have so maney
Correct your spelling
many
touriest
; Correct your spelling
tourist
moreover
, they do not need funded
for natives who are injured from battles. Change the verb form
to be funded
funding
In addition
, safty
Correct your spelling
safety
alter
Correct subject-verb agreement
alters
people
bad behaviour and all societies will be friends Change noun form
people's
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
enemy
.
Fix the agreement mistake
enemies
To sum up
, having good miliarites
tools and armies Correct your spelling
military
are
good; Correct subject-verb agreement
is
nevertheless
, it is essential that calm Earth have a range of benefits for their
inhabitants.Correct pronoun usage
its
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clarity
Your main points are a bit unclear and need to be more focused. Try to clearly state your main arguments in the introduction and make sure they are directly connected to the topic given.
grammar
There are several grammatical and spelling errors in your essay. Reviewing basic grammar rules and ensuring proper spell checks will improve your writing quality.
cohesion
Your paragraphs need better flow and connection between ideas. Use transition words to smoothly connect sentences within a paragraph and between paragraphs.
evidence
Providing more specific examples could help support your arguments better. Try to include data, anecdotes, or hypothetical situations to strengthen your points.
introduction
Your introduction presents the topic and shows your stance, which is good. Having a clear position is essential.
balance
Attempting to discuss both perspectives shows a balanced approach, which is commendable.
conclusion
Your conclusion summarizes your ideas and reiterates your position effectively, which is important for a coherent essay.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.