IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people work for the same organisation all their working life. Others think that it is better to work for different organisations. Discuss both these views and giver your own opinion.

#people #work #organisation #life #organisations #giver
Recently,
work
life
 has become a hot topic everyone is talking about. A handful of the population
work
 all their lives under one company
while
 others
perfoorm
Correct your spelling
perform
 under many different companies.
This
 essay will discuss both of these sides and will state my opinion on it. On the one hand, many people argue that working in the same business all their lives can give them a better opportunity of being promoted, and it will be easy for them to cope with the job stress they have. Working in the same job for a long period enhances the chance of a person being promoted.
For example
, someone who has been working for the same company for 12 years will have better odds of being promoted than someone who has been working under the same organisation for 5 years.
Furthermore
, they will be able to deal with the
work
 stress and
work
life
 easier as they are more used to their
work
 because they have been doing the same
work
 all their lives.
On the other hand
, many others think that becoming employees at many different businesses can help their
work
 experience, and will have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better odds
to
Change preposition
of working
show examples
work
 under higher paying companies.
Work
 experience comes from a person who deals with different issues during their working
life
, by working under different jobs, the public can gain
work
 experience because of the different problems they face.
Moreover
, getting employed at high-paying jobs will be easier if someone works at many different workplaces as they will know how to deal with different types of people.
For instance
, knowing when to engage with customers and knowing when they need help. In conclusion, I strongly believe that working under the same organisation is better because people will have a better chance of getting a promotion and it will be easier for them to cope with their
work
life
.
Submitted by hashoomy2006 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Grammar
Ensure consistency in using present and past tenses. For example, 'become employees at many different businesses' should be 'becoming employees at many different businesses.'
Examples
Add more relevant specific examples to strengthen arguments. For example, describe a real-life scenario where switching jobs led to significantly higher pay or enhanced skills.
Analysis
Improve the depth of analysis in each point. For instance, elaborating on how exposure to different companies leads to a diverse set of skills can add depth to the second argument.
Structure
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion.
Balanced Discussion
You have provided a balanced discussion by presenting both viewpoints before stating your own opinion.
Transition Words
The essay flows logically with appropriate use of transition words, e.g., 'On the one hand,’ 'On the other hand,’ ‘For instance,’ ‘Furthermore.’
What to do next:
Look at other essays: