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Writing Samples /
Band 4

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#computer #games #waste #time #children #support
Some believe
children
 who play computer
games
 should be prohibited because of wasting time. In my point view, I agree with
this
 statement
due to
 health problems and education
Children
 are easily obsessed with playing
games
 for many hours, so healthy habits are destroyed by sitting on a chair.
Consequently
, obesity is a serious
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 problem which may cause more and more illnesses in the future.
For example
, recent researches show that for
children
 who play video
games
 for
morethan
Correct your spelling
more than
 3hours per day, the possibility of obesity is higher than 15 per cent than the ordinary person.
On the other hand
, educational development is the essential
life
 factor that affects career path, if adolescents spend time playing
games
 on computers, they will lose the chance to upgrade their knowledge and
life
 skills.
For instance
, students play video
games
 on the computer after studying at school, they are very exhausted
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
engery
Correct your spelling
energy
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 updating skillsets and need rest for the next day. Obsessed computer
games
 lead to many dramatic problems from health to social
life
 skills that affected directly their
life
.
Children
 should not be allowed to play videos without
supervises
Replace the word
supervision
show examples
 from their parents to avoid negative results in future and build a strong healthy style.
Submitted by elizaluu94 on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt, discussing the potential health and education impacts of children playing computer games. However, you need to expand some points with more details and specific examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve your logical structure by clearly linking ideas between paragraphs and ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Introduction and conclusion should be more robust.
task achievement
You've raised valid concerns about health and education, supported by relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and conclusion, and the transitions between ideas are generally clear.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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