Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Reported 2017, Academic Test)

In recent times, fashion and
money
have made celebrities more famous among youngsters than their achievements. I completely agree with
this
statement as it
put
Verb problem
apply
show examples
badly
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
the new generation who is following famous personalities.
This
may highly encourage
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
genration
Correct your spelling
generation
to spend more
money
on fashion and makeup
instead
of following those who did
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
and accomplished higher
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
thus
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
them far from their
preofessional
Correct your spelling
professional
goals
. The prime reason why I strongly agree with the aforementioned statement is youth, these days, are crazy about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media
such
as
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
,
twiter
Correct your spelling
twitter
and
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
. They not only follow their
favourites
Change the noun form
favourite
show examples
personalities but
also
copy their style in clothing and makeup. In
this
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
they spend their
money
on buying
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
stuff to look
alike
Correct your spelling
like
show examples
them.
Therefore
, they do not save
money
for their
goals
and
further
education to make achievements in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Furthermore
, they waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ample
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching their reels, stories and
video
Fix the agreement mistake
videos
show examples
which can be devoted forwards learning new skills to achieve their
future
goals
.
Thus
, youth is getting more attracted towards the
glomour
Correct your spelling
glamour
and
money
holder people
instead
of achievement holder
personlaities
Correct your spelling
personalities
such
as
altheletes
Correct your spelling
athletes
, cricketers.
Thus
,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
of interest in learning skills will
definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
make them lazy and unambitious towards their
future
.
To conclude
,
due to
higher interest in social media's famous
peronalities
Correct your spelling
personalities
youngster are becoming lazy, unambitious about
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
and spending their
money
and time.
Thus
they should more focus on
learnig
Correct your spelling
learning
skills and work hard for their
future
goals
so that they can earn
money
,
save
Correct word choice
and save
show examples
their precious time.
Submitted by deepamankaur208 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay addresses the question and expresses a clear viewpoint, but the examples provided are general and could be more specific to thoroughly support the arguments. For instance, naming specific celebrities or detailing particular instances of young people imitating them would strengthen the points raised.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is logically structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that detract from the overall clarity. For example, 'put badly impact' should be 'have a negative impact,' and 'ample of time' should be 'a lot of time.' It's important to proofread your work to catch such mistakes.
coherence cohesion
The linking words used are appropriate, but more variety in these connectors could improve the flow of the essay. Additionally, try to develop each idea more deeply. For example, expanding on how social media influences young people's spending habits with specific studies or data would provide a more in-depth discussion.
structure
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the main argument effectively.
content
The writer's passion about the topic is evident, and they provide clear reasons to support their viewpoint.
coherence
The main points are relevant to the task and well-sequenced, maintaining a logical flow throughout the essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: