IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Reported 2017, Academic Test)

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people #test
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In recent times, fashion and
money
Use synonyms
 have made celebrities more famous among youngsters than their achievements. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement as it
put
Verb problem
apply
show examples
badly
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
 the new generation who is following famous personalities.
This
Linking Words
 may highly encourage
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
genration
Correct your spelling
generation
 to spend more
money
Use synonyms
 on fashion and makeup
instead
Linking Words
 of following those who did
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work
 and accomplished higher
position
Fix the agreement mistake
positions
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
thus
Linking Words
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 them far from their
preofessional
Correct your spelling
professional
goals
Use synonyms
. The prime reason why I strongly agree with the aforementioned statement is youth, these days, are crazy about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media
such
Linking Words
 as
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
,
twiter
Correct your spelling
twitter
 and
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
. They not only follow their
favourites
Change the noun form
favourite
show examples
 personalities but
also
Linking Words
 copy their style in clothing and makeup. In
this
Linking Words
way
Add a comma
way,
show examples
 they spend their
money
Use synonyms
 on buying
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 stuff to look
alike
Correct your spelling
like
show examples
 them.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they do not save
money
Use synonyms
 for their
goals
Use synonyms
 and
further
Linking Words
 education to make achievements in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they waste
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ample
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching their reels, stories and
video
Fix the agreement mistake
videos
show examples
 which can be devoted forwards learning new skills to achieve their
future
Use synonyms
goals
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, youth is getting more attracted towards the
glomour
Correct your spelling
glamour
 and
money
Use synonyms
 holder people
instead
Linking Words
 of achievement holder
personlaities
Correct your spelling
personalities
such
Linking Words
 as
altheletes
Correct your spelling
athletes
, cricketers.
Thus
Linking Words
,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of interest in learning skills will
definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 make them lazy and unambitious towards their
future
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 higher interest in social media's famous
peronalities
Correct your spelling
personalities
 youngster are becoming lazy, unambitious about
Use synonyms
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 and spending their
money
Use synonyms
 and time.
Thus
Linking Words
 they should more focus on
learnig
Correct your spelling
learning
 skills and work hard for their
future
Use synonyms
goals
Use synonyms
 so that they can earn
money
Use synonyms
,
save
Correct word choice
and save
show examples
 their precious time.
Submitted by deepamankaur208 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay addresses the question and expresses a clear viewpoint, but the examples provided are general and could be more specific to thoroughly support the arguments. For instance, naming specific celebrities or detailing particular instances of young people imitating them would strengthen the points raised.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is logically structured with a clear introduction and conclusion, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that detract from the overall clarity. For example, 'put badly impact' should be 'have a negative impact,' and 'ample of time' should be 'a lot of time.' It's important to proofread your work to catch such mistakes.
coherence cohesion
The linking words used are appropriate, but more variety in these connectors could improve the flow of the essay. Additionally, try to develop each idea more deeply. For example, expanding on how social media influences young people's spending habits with specific studies or data would provide a more in-depth discussion.
structure
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the main argument effectively.
content
The writer's passion about the topic is evident, and they provide clear reasons to support their viewpoint.
coherence
The main points are relevant to the task and well-sequenced, maintaining a logical flow throughout the essay.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: