IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is no denying the fact that greedy and selfish
behaviour
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 has increased in recent times.
While
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 it is commonly believed that returning to traditional teaching methods can help diminish
such
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behaviour
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, some argue against it. In my opinion, I consider that older traditional teaching plays a critical role in improving
behaviour
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.
To begin
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 with, I consider social media a significant contributor to harmful, disrespectful, and selfish
behaviour
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. Numerous social media platforms allow people with little or no experience to create blogs and spread content as life coaches. They provide advice to a wide audience, especially
children
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. Unfortunately,
this
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 advice often contains dangerous ideas that negatively influence individuals.
Additionally
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, there is a lack of parental control over the content their
children
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 consume.
For example
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,
children
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 in their first ten years collect information from their environment, which reflects on their future
behaviour
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. Another point to consider is that ancient communities provided immense influence in teaching values
such
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 as respect and support. Traditional teaching methods show crucial benefits for our generation, helping to build a strong society.
Moreover
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, schools play a vital role in shaping
children
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's
behaviour
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 and should implement regulations regardless of how their parents treat them.
For instance
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, a study published in 2010 by the Community Department of the University of Jordan shows that schools can change
children
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's
behaviour
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 in their first ten years by 76%. In conclusion, despite differing views, I believe that traditional teaching methods must be considered to create a generation with sufficient skills and positive
behaviour
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. Encouraging
children
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 through expert guidance, books, and awareness materials will contribute significantly to their development.

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task achievement
Expand on the argument about traditional teaching methods. Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your claims.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-organized, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try using more varied linking words or phrases.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing the argument effectively.
task achievement
The argument regarding the influence of social media on young minds is both relevant and specific, adding depth to the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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