IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think restoration of old buildings take huge amount of government expenditure. It would be more beneficial to use this money for development of new buildings and roads. To what extent do you agree/disagree with the statement

#people #restoration #buildings #amount #government #expenditure #money #development #roads
The
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
bar chart gives information about how many
school
trips
 to and from
school
 students
are making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
according to
 five methods of transport (car passenger, walking, cycling, walking and
bus
,
bus
) in a nation between 1990 and 2010. Units are measured in millions.
Overall
,
while
 walking was by far the most popular way of transport in 1990 it can be seen that there is a
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
 trend towards getting to
school
 by car. With regard to walking, students used
this
 as their
prefered
Correct your spelling
preferred
 method with over 12
million
trips
 per year in 1990. Within the shown period of 20 years,
this
 figure drops to 6
million
trips
.
In contrast
, travelling by car as a passenger increased from just over 4
million
 to approximately 11
million
 in the same timeframe, making it the most popular way of transport in 2010. Looking specifically at the other three categories, students took on average 6
million
trips
 each to and from
school
 in 1990. By 2010, these figures decreased. Particularly the
coice
Correct your spelling
cost
 of using a
bycicle
Correct your spelling
bicycle
 dramatically lowered, dropping to 2
million
trips
 per year. Walking and
bus
 rides
as well as
 just taking the
bus
 decreased by approximately one-half and one-
third,
respectively.
Submitted by philipp_becker on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
For the most part, your response is thorough and directly addresses the task. However, adding more detailed explanations could strengthen the task achievement. For example, discussing possible reasons for the shifts in transportation trends would provide more insight.
task achievement
The ideas in your essay are mostly clear, but there are minor grammatical errors and misuses of vocabulary that slightly detract from clarity. For example, ‘prevered’ should be ‘preferred,’ and ‘coice’ should be ‘choice.’
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea or set of closely related ideas. This will help improve the clarity and coherence of each point you make.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding a concise conclusion to clearly summarize the main points you have discussed. This will help reinforce the information and provide a clear ending to your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear overall structure, with a distinct introduction and body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The supported main points are well expressed and logically follow from the given data.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: