IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think advertisements control what we purchase, while others think they are useful sources of information on products. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #advertisements #control #purchase #sources #information #products
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In a world where
advertisements
 are everywhere, some
people
 doubt their true purpose. Some believe that these are an excellent source of information and promotion of products.
However
, others believe that it affects their purchases. I believe the latter. In my opinion, they simply help consumers make better, informed choices.
This
 essay will examine the views of both sides of the argument. Recent studies have proven that
advertisements
 deliver more than information, and serve as consumer influencers.
First,
various famous corporations use
advertisements
 to persuade
people
's thoughts. By using emotional appeals, ads create an urge to buy their
product
. When a person sees a commodity being used by others, they feel compelled to buy it because it is popular or trendy.
Second,
some unnecessary goods are advertised as essential. Conglomerates often emphasize problems and present their
product
 as the solution.
This
 could unfairly sway public opinion.
Finally
, companies usually try to capitalize on brand awareness. Since
people
 are affected by
this
, they are more likely to acquire familiar items. A clear example of
this
 is Tesla. They have built a strong brand awareness, resulting in market dominance.
Advertisements
 are undeniably valuable resources for gathering information and making well-informed decisions.
Initially
, they inform consumers about limited-time offers. Businesses constantly use discounts to gain attraction. Obviously, knowing about these deals is beneficial.
Moreover
, a commercial could provide knowledge concerning the
product
. Operating a
product
 could be complex.
For instance
, Dyson showed how versatile their vacuum is on different surfaces.
Furthermore
, ads compare their goods to competitors.
This
 helps
people
 make decisions based on their needs.
For example
, Apple was able to demonstrate how a Mac is easy to use compared to a PC. In conclusion, it's clear to see that
advertisements
 are important.
Nevertheless
, some corporations could exploit commercials to control
people
's decisions.
Therefore
, individuals need to be aware and have a clear mind when shopping, so they can make their choices.
Submitted by alfred on

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task achievement
While the essay covers both sides of the argument effectively, it is important to slightly refine the thesis statement to reflect the essay's stance more succinctly. Consider stating: 'However, others believe that advertisements influence their purchases negatively. I hold the latter opinion' instead of 'I believe the latter. In my opinion, they simply help consumers make better, informed choices.'
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. For instance, the introductory paragraph and the paragraph discussing recent studies should be seamlessly connected.
task achievement
The essay presents clear main points and justifies them with relevant examples, such as references to Tesla and Dyson.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is maintained well. Each paragraph discusses a single idea and the arguments are well organized.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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