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Band 4

Some people believe that entertainment such as film star pop musicians or sports star are paid to much money Do you agree or disagree? Which other type of jobs should be highly paid.?

#people #entertainment #film #star #pop #musicians #sports #money #type #jobs
In
this
 essay, I want to give my opinions about the people who work in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 entertainment sector as
pop
Add an article
a pop
show examples
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
, film
actor
Fix the agreement mistake
actors
show examples
 or
footballer
Fix the agreement mistake
footballers
show examples
are
Correct pronoun usage
who are
show examples
 paid
much
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
show examples
money
.
Moreover
, I will determine
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
which other
type
Fix the agreement mistake
types
show examples
 of jobs should be highly paid.
To begin
 with,
this
 is well-known information that musicians, footballers and film stars are gained well.
However
, everyone can ask that are these
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
 work sufficiently
for gaining
Change preposition
to gain
show examples
 the
money
Correct quantifier usage
most money
show examples
 highly? At
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
first look, we can assume that; the job those persons do is, just singing or writing songs, memorizing sentences and doing sports.
However
, the fact is,
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 have a difficult background. They spent their entire
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
to become
Change the verb form
becoming
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proffessional
Correct your spelling
professionals
. We don't reject that some of them
naturally
Add a missing verb
are naturally
show examples
 talented, but
generally
Add a comma
generally,
show examples
 they trained a lot so their
accomplishes
Replace the word
accomplishments
show examples
 and fame didn't come without struggles and efforts.
On the other hand
, those people
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 famous, they are loved by the masses. Naturally, fame comes with
money
.
In addition
, some of the labours are should highly paid. Especially jobs which
is needs
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
 specializations or hard and physical efforts have to get high salaries. The balance between the job and salary is important.
As a result
, in my opinion, they are paid too much
money
, and that has 2
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
show examples
.
Firstly
, they are famous and fame comes with
money
,
secondly
Add a comma
secondly,
show examples
 they trained very hard to get
such
 as those accomplishes.
However
, for some
jobs
Add a comma
jobs,
show examples
 the balance is not maintained between effort and salary.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and cohesion, use transitional phrases such as 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' and 'In conclusion' consistently. This will guide the reader through your points more effectively.
task achievement
Try to extend your main points with specific examples or additional details. For instance, you could mention particular artists or types of sports qualifications to support your argument.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, giving it a good structure overall.
balanced arguments
The writer successfully presents both sides of the argument regarding the earnings of entertainers.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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