IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry payment and land. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

#spite #advances #agriculture #people #world #payment #land #case
Despite the improvements in farming , a myriad of individuals are still hungry.
Due to
 the
poverty
, many
people
 faint from hunger all around the world. The best method to solve
this
 issue is to give humans
jobs
 that they are able to do. In record times,
poverty
 has been the main reason why many
people
 are suffering from lack of
food
. Because of the economic instability in nations,
people
 in
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 countries live in bad conditions,
hence
 they can not buy
food
 for themselves.
For example
, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 millions of citizens have
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
 ability to buy bread, owing to
poverty
.
It is clear that
people
 who
work
 have money in their pockets, so they can pay for meals to eat. Turning to the solution,
organization
Correct article usage
the organization
show examples
 of new
jobs
 where
people
 can
work
, helps
people
 earn cash for
living
Add an article
a living
show examples
. Building factories in areas where
people
 need
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
show examples
 and teaching them
this
work
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 benefits for the government,
also
 the
poverty
 part of
people
 who can not
work
 in other high-quality
jobs
.
For instance
,
according to
 the researchers, China with billions of
people
 has a high economy because they take care of every person and 96 per cent of
people
 are working,
however
 only 4%
have
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
work
, so they do not have poor
people
 who can not buy
food
 for themselves. In conclusion, because of the
poverty
 in
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
people
 can not buy
food
, in spite of the fact that agriculture advances.
Solution
Correct article usage
A solution
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 problem can be opening more
jobs
 for
people
. It is recommended for the government to provide
work
 for as many
people
 as possible.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, try addressing more facets of the problem. Discussing possible solutions more comprehensively can strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, connect your ideas more seamlessly. Use more linking phrases to guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and expand on your points to add depth to your argument.
task achievement
You made a clear effort to provide a solution to the problem, which is an important aspect of task response.
coherence cohesion
Your essay features a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good structure for your argument.
task achievement
Including specific references, such as your example about China, adds weight to your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: