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Band 5

Some believe that children nowadays have too much freedom. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#believe #children #freedom
In recent times, some individuals argued that
children
 usually take a lot of time to do
freedom
activities
. In my point of view,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 disagree with the essay because
with
Add the comma(s)
, with
show examples
 the advancement of technology,
parents
 are able to control their sons or daughters to have a positive impact on their
children
's lives.
Moreover
, they will protect their
children
 in safe areas for their
children
 from criminal
activities
. So the
children
 do not become criminals or victims in the future. Nowadays,
children
 are the examples of their
parents
. If the
parents
 give their
children
 too much
freedom
, it will be a drawback for them. So, they use technology to supervise their
children
.
For example
,
parents
 give the time limit or check the routine of their son's or daughters' phones.
This
Change the determiner
These
show examples
 gradual
activities
 are better for them to know it in depth. On the one hand, sometimes if older people give
freedom
 to their family or child without controlling them they will be prisoners or victims in the next few years. In my country, Indonesia, I remember one case where
parents
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not control their
children
 and
then
 it was a sharp disadvantage for them. That son became a killer and killed their family. From another perspective,
parents
 need to have a long life balance, they need to put themselves not only as
Add an article
a
show examples
parent but
also
 as
Add an article
a
show examples
friend to their
children
. I argue that they can give their
children
 to choose the
activities
 their
children
 want to learn first about that subject. In conclusion, I believe that
parents
 need to supervise their
children
 for their future lives. So,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 totally disagree that
children
 nowadays have too much
freedom
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Try to provide a clearer structure for your essay. Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports your argument.
task achievement
Work on including more specific examples that directly support your main points.
clear comprehensive ideas
Refine your grammar and vocabulary to ensure clarity and coherence in your writing.
task achievement
You have made an effort to address the topic and have provided some reasons to support your viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
You have included an introduction and conclusion, which adds structure to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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