One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
In recent years Medicare reached fantastic discoveries and results in treatments so people can enjoy longevity and want to explore life
further
to get all the benefits despite their ages. While
the changes brought many benefits, there are several drawbacks. Both views will be illustrated in this
essay. Personally, I tend to see only the positive sides of this
phenomenon and think life is too interesting to live it short.
Medical care today provides to
societyChange preposition
apply
a
better life from all perspectives. Change preposition
with a
For example
near
some decades ago sick persons who suffered from chronic diseases like diabetes or various kinds of hepatitis suffered from the start of diagnosis of the illness and preferred to stay at home Change preposition
apply
due to
the
poor health. But now it is difficult to recognise Correct article usage
apply
such
patients if they get their medicines on time. Moreover
for example
for diabetic patients, there is no need to pinch a finger for
test the blood constantly and measure the sugar index, the special pomp which is adhered to the skin gives instant results to the smartphone. Change preposition
to
This
gives them the feeling of freedom from the decease and they plan their living with long perspectives to the future: see the
grandchildren, travel, change Change the word
their
the
profession or start Change the word
their
the
new business. Correct article usage
a
As a
result
contemporary medicine Add a comma
result,
safe
people’s lives and gives a lot of liberty which in turn changes mindset.
Correct your spelling
saves
However
, there is one main disadvantage of modern medicine and this
is the price. All cures for many deceases are very expensive. Only a few rich persons can afford real good innovative treatment or operations and the government can provide just basic. People get enormous loans and sell properties just to have a chance to be cured. Consequently
, not all patients who suffer can afford the treatment of today’s medicine and this
is the most of
disappointing fact.
In summary, Change preposition
apply
this
essay covered both the pros and cons of present-day medical care. Apart from finding solutions to cure diseases and give people optimistic long years ahead free from pain, the prices for the
medical services and remedies restrain the opportunity to get them at all levels of society.Correct article usage
apply
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task achievement
The essay would benefit from a clearer introduction. While it presents the topic, it could more explicitly state the thesis or main stance of the writer on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
coherence cohesion
There is a slight overuse of commas and long sentences. Breaking some of the sentences into shorter ones would enhance clarity and readability.
task achievement
Including specific statistical data or studies could strengthen the argument and provide more solid evidence to support the points made.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be more comprehensive, summarizing the main points more effectively and reiterating the stance of the writer.
task achievement
The essay uses specific examples, such as the advancements in diabetes management, which effectively illustrate the points being made.
task achievement
The writer successfully presents both sides of the argument, making the essay balanced and informative.
coherence cohesion
The essay transitions smoothly between ideas, showing a good sense of flow and progression.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example