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Band 5

It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

#idea #people #age
It is widely believed that elder
people
 should join
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 if they would like to.
While
 many
people
 disagree with
this
 argument, I think that it is a good idea for them. Working helps them feel happier despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their old age and lack of flexibility. When retiring, the old tend to live alone because of the lack
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
 of arrival of their sons,
daughters
Correct word choice
and daughters
show examples
.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, keeping their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 is one of the
way
Change to a plural noun
ways
show examples
 that they can spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
. To
me
Correct your spelling
be
show examples
 more specific, many elder
people
 in Japan decide to work
instead
 of staying home. Many newspapers,
organizations
Correct word choice
and organizations
show examples
 assume that working helps them stay away
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the feeling of being alone.
This
 emotion may get worse and become
stress
Replace the word
stressful
show examples
 if it happens for a long time. Not only preventing them from the feeling of being alone
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 helping them enhance the
finacial
Correct your spelling
financial
 burden
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their sons and daughters. In many poor families, earning money is one
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 that elder
people
 decide to keep working. Even if the amount of money they get
not
Add a missing verb
is not
show examples
 much, it
also
 supports their daughters and sons.
Moreover
,
this
 idea may help them stay in a healthy life, which prevents them from being
illness
Replace the word
ill
show examples
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 can get
a tons
Correct the article-noun agreement
tons
a ton
show examples
 of money. In
addtion
Correct your spelling
addition
, their
dicision
Correct your spelling
decision
 helps their children who could
concertrate
Correct your spelling
concentrate
 on their careers
instead
 of
spend
Change the verb form
spending
show examples
 most time
to take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
 care of them. In conclusion, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some negative
oppinions
Correct your spelling
opinions
 about
this
 topic, I keep holding onto
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 idea that
this
 helps a
lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
lot
show examples
 not only
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
elder
people
 but
also
many
Change preposition
in many
show examples
 aspects of their lives.
Submitted by lyhuongclc on

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introduction and conclusion
Clear introduction and conclusion, with the conclusion effectively summarizing the key points.
examples
Relevant and specific examples, particularly the reference to elder people in Japan.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive decline
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Social interaction
  • Financial stability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Self-worth
  • Physical health
  • Skill utilization
  • Experience
  • Flexible working hours
  • Generational gap
  • Elderly individuals
  • Retirement
  • Workplace
  • Economic contribution
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

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