IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays technology in increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras) .in many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is believed that the technology has become a main part of our lives.
in other words
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, the
gradually
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gradual
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 updates of development
has
Wrong verb form
have been
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 discovered by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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scientist
Fix the agreement mistake
scientists
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 in the modern days.
However
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, the service works harmfully on the
people
Use synonyms
live
Wrong verb form
living
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 within monitoring the
persons
Change to a genitive case
person's
persons'
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 movement and daily life requirements. In
this
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 essay, I will explain the merits and demerits in my view. First and foremost, the effect of digital life on human being life has become an essential habit. I mean the whole world nowadays
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
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work
Correct subject-verb agreement
works
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 smartly by using electrical devices
such
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 as smartphones. they recorded all the
information
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 and data on it.
for instance
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, the activities, body
information
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, photos, and memories.
Thus
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, the cellphone has access to all
this
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information
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.
On the other hand
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, the privacy of
this
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information
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 is unknown and the inventors can access all data.
People
Use synonyms
 don’t know the risk
In addition
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 to how smartphones have access to a person’s voice and location it leads to knowing what
people
Use synonyms
 think and suggests a lot of ideas about it.
For example
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, a lot of time I was thinking about
topic
Add an article
the topic
a topic
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 even
I
Rephrase
when I
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open
Wrong verb form
opened
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the
Change the word
my
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 phone I saw
the
Correct article usage
an
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 advertisement about
same
Correct article usage
the same
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topics
Fix the agreement mistake
topic
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.
Consequently
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, the security and privacy are zero. So I thought the demerits of the technology surpassed the merits
due to
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 the lack of privacy. I thought that the smartphone would be a massive threat to human lives.
To sum up
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,
People
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 should adapt
with
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to
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 technology but, should be careful how they use it and try to turn off a lot of specifications. eventually, I shed light on the advantages and disadvantages of smartphones in my knowledge.

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task achievement
Ensure to fully address all parts of the question. While you did discuss both the merits and demerits of technology, there is a need for more specific and relevant examples to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by organizing your points more effectively. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas flow logically from one to the next. This will help enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay.
task achievement
Provide more detailed explanations for your points. For instance, explain how and why technology's access to personal data poses a significant threat to privacy. This will make your argument stronger and clearer.
introduction conclusion present
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in giving your essay a complete structure.
clear comprehensive ideas
The idea that cellphones record various pieces of personal information is a relevant point to discuss in the context of privacy concerns. This shows a good understanding of the topic.
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