Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Can people be happy without much money? What other factors contribute to happiness?
Money
is an essential factor
in our life
today. Moreover
, some people
believe that money
is a crucial thing to promote happiness
. However
, I believe that money
is not a mandatory factor
and I will explain more aspects contributing to happiness
in this
essay.
First,
money
cannot guarantee happiness
for many people
. Some rich people
sometimes still feel empty, depressed or might not satisfied
with their Add a missing verb
be satisfied
life
. For example
, some celebrities in Korea commit suicide due to
their depression. Another example, some rich people
have serious issues due to
depression or overwork that hinder them from being happy despite their amount of money
. These facts mean, money
cannot guarantee your Correct word choice
that money
happiness
in life
whether how rich or successful you are.
Second,
from my perspective, support
Correct article usage
a support
system
such
as families and friends that always support
and protect you can be the most factor
to contribute Correct word choice
important factor
someone for being
Verb problem
someone's
happy
. Replace the word
happiness
For instance
, when people
are in bad
situation in their Add an article
a bad
life
, their support
system
can help them to face the difficulty. If people
only have money
, they can only buy superficial things such
as good food or items. However
, if people
have a support
system
, they can get someone to listen and understand them throughout
the difficulties that cannot be replaceable and bought with Change preposition
through
money
. Another things that influence on
Change preposition
apply
people
Change noun form
people's
happiness
is healthy
Add an article
a healthy
body
. Healthy
Add an article
A healthy
body
could stimulate enjoyment and satisfaction in life
. People
who have healthy body
could be more enjoy their moments when doing activities freely where all Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
people
could strive healthy body
not only rich people
.
In conclusion, money
is not a required factor
to pursue happiness
. There are other factors that influence happiness
such
as support
Correct article usage
a support
system
and healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
body
that cannot bought with money
.Submitted by writingbersama on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, you could enhance the logical flow by ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Your arguments are relevant and supported with examples. To improve, consider expanding on your examples further to add depth to your points.
Task Achievement
Some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity and readability. For instance, 'Support system such as families and friends that always support and protect you can be the most factor to contribute someone for being happy' can be revised to 'A support system, such as family and friends who always support and protect you, can be a significant factor contributing to happiness.'
Task Achievement
You effectively cover different aspects contributing to happiness, such as a support system and health, which makes your essay comprehensive.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a good logical structure with a well-defined introduction, main body, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Your examples, like those of celebrities and health, are relevant and add value to your argument.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?