IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that money is one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness. Can people be happy without much money? What other factors contribute to happiness?

#people #money #factors #happiness
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Money
Use synonyms
 is an essential
factor
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 in our
life
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 today.
Moreover
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, some
people
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 believe that
money
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 is a crucial thing to promote
happiness
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.
However
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, I believe that
money
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 is not a mandatory
factor
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 and I will explain more aspects contributing to
happiness
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 in
this
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 essay.
First,
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money
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 cannot guarantee
happiness
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 for many
people
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. Some rich
people
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 sometimes still feel empty, depressed or might not
satisfied
Add a missing verb
be satisfied
show examples
 with their
life
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.
For example
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, some celebrities in Korea commit suicide
due to
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 their depression. Another example, some rich
people
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 have serious issues
due to
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 depression or overwork that hinder them from being happy despite their amount of
money
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. These facts mean,
Use synonyms
money
Correct word choice
that money
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 cannot guarantee your
happiness
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 in
life
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 whether how rich or successful you are.
Second,
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from my perspective,
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support
Correct article usage
a support
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system
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such
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 as families and friends that always
support
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 and protect you can be the most
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factor
Correct word choice
important factor
show examples
 to contribute
someone for being
Verb problem
someone's
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happy
Replace the word
happiness
show examples
.
For instance
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, when
people
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 are in
bad
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a bad
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 situation in their
life
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, their
support
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system
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 can help them to face the difficulty. If
people
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 only have
money
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, they can only buy superficial things
such
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 as good food or items.
However
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, if
people
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 have a
support
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system
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, they can get someone to listen and understand them
throughout
Change preposition
through
show examples
 the difficulties that cannot be replaceable and bought with
money
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. Another things that influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
happiness
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 is
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
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body
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.
Healthy
Add an article
A healthy
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body
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 could stimulate enjoyment and satisfaction in
life
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.
People
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 who have healthy
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body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
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 could be more enjoy their moments when doing activities freely where all
people
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 could strive healthy
body
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 not only rich
people
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. In conclusion,
money
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 is not a required
factor
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 to pursue
happiness
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. There are other factors that influence
happiness
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such
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 as
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support
Correct article usage
a support
show examples
system
Use synonyms
 and
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
body
Use synonyms
 that cannot bought with
money
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, you could enhance the logical flow by ensuring smoother transitions between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Your arguments are relevant and supported with examples. To improve, consider expanding on your examples further to add depth to your points.
Task Achievement
Some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity and readability. For instance, 'Support system such as families and friends that always support and protect you can be the most factor to contribute someone for being happy' can be revised to 'A support system, such as family and friends who always support and protect you, can be a significant factor contributing to happiness.'
Task Achievement
You effectively cover different aspects contributing to happiness, such as a support system and health, which makes your essay comprehensive.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay maintains a good logical structure with a well-defined introduction, main body, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Your examples, like those of celebrities and health, are relevant and add value to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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