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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think the government should pay for health care and education, but others believe it is not the government's responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #government #health #care #education #responsibility
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In
this
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 day and age, many people assert that the
authorities
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 should be responsible for
health
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care
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services
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 and
schooling
Correct article usage
the schooling
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 of
citizens
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.
While
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 others claim that these
responsibilities
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 do not belong to the
government
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. From my view, I believe that it is better to tackle it in an equal way. On the one hand, it is undeniable that spending
for
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on
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health
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care
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 and
education
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 is one of the most important
responsibilities
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 of the state. Each year,
citizens
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 have to pay many kinds of taxes.
Therefore
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, the
authorities
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 should provide free
health
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care
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services
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 and
education
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 as a way to show inhabitants that the
nation
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ultilizes
Correct your spelling
utilises
 their money properly.
Moreover
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, if a country becomes well-educated and healthy by these free provisions which are provided by the
authorities
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,
this
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 can lead to a lot of positive results.
For example
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, when all people in a
nation
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 can approach advanced
education
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 programs no matter who they are, they can easily get a well-paid job and crime levels will decrease significantly.
By
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In
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 these ways,
citizens
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 will increase their trust
to
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in
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 the state and
this
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 contributes to the prosperity and solidarity of the
nation
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.
On the other hand
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, even
providing
Correct word choice
though providing
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 free
services
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 has many advantages, these
responsibilities
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 do not entirely belong to the
government
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.
Firstly
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, the
nation
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’s
fund
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funds
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 may not
enough
Add a missing verb
be enough
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 to spend
for
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on
show examples
 all the
services
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as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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health
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care
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 and schooling.
For instance
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, in some developing countries, the
authorities
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 need to allocate their money for so many works
such
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 as building hospitals, paying teacher salaries,
buying
Correct word choice
and buying
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 school and hospital facilities,…
As a result
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, the country’s fund will not be able to afford for all these activities.
Additionally
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, some countries have dense
population
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populations
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 like China or America,
paying
Correct word choice
and paying
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 for most
of
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apply
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activities like free
health
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care
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 provisions or
education
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 is impossible,
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this
Correct word choice
and this
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 will create a burden on the state’s
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
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.
To conclude
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, it is obvious that the
government
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 should be responsible for
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health
Correct article usage
the health
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care
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 and
education
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 of a
nation
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.
However
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, these
responsibilities
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 do not totally belong to just the
authorities
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,
citizens
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 must
raise
Verb problem
be
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 aware
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
health
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 and
education
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 as a way to reduce
burden
Add an article
the burden
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 on the
government
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.
Submitted by weezel on

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General
Overall, your essay is well-written and addresses the task adequately. However, there are a few areas for improvement: 1. Try to elaborate more on each point. Adding a bit more detail or explanation can make your argument stronger. 2. Be careful with grammar and vocabulary. Though the essay is generally clear, there are a few minor mistakes that can be polished. 3. Ensure that your transitions between paragraphs and ideas are as smooth as possible to improve the flow of your essay.
Specific
For example, instead of just stating 'this contributes to the prosperity and solidarity of the nation', you could add a sentence explaining how this happens. Similarly, you might want to specify what kinds of positive results you foresee.
Structure
Your essay has a clear structure, with a logical flow of ideas and well-defined paragraphs.
Introduction/Conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are both effective in framing your discussion and rounding off your points respectively.
Content
Your main points are supported with relevant examples and explanations, making your argument more persuasive.
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