IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

In many countries, people buy clothes and choose hair styles according to the latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or a negative development?

#countries #people #clothes #hair #styles #fashion #development
In some places in the world, citizens have many
clothes
, and they
also
 determine haircuts based on the newest.
This
 essay will outline a number of reasons for
this
trend
 and I believe that
this
 incident is a positive development. Individuals frequently purchase apparel that follows the latest trends and they always select the most popular hairstyles are attributed to various factors. One main cause of
this
 issue is that a substantial numbеr of individuals fear missing out, they do not want to be inferior to others, so they always want to update trendy to feel like they belong to a community.
Furthermore
, they may think that if they dress fashionable wardrobe, they will become gorgeous in the eyes of others, which makes them feel more confident.
Therefore
, the majority of individuals only really own the newest costumes and trendy hair. In my opinion,
this
trend
 can bring complementary growth.
First,
buying many faddy
clothes
 and getting a new hairstyle will help create more jobs for citizens in that
country
, which makes the job of
clothes
 and hairstyles have a handsome salary, so their living will become better than before.
Second,
as the demand for new clothing and hairstyle trends increases, creativity in design in both the fashion and hair industries will grow rapidly and produce better results. When a
country
 produces more beautiful
clothes
, it will help the
country
's clothing products to be exported to more places in the world, thereby helping the
country
's economy develop. In conclusion, fear of missing out and wanting to become beautiful in the eyes of others can be reasons for
this
trend
, there are a number of good things that the
trend
 brings to the
country
.
Submitted by okookk123456 on

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task response
Your essay effectively addresses the task, providing reasons for the trend and discussing its positive aspects. However, try to use more precise language and avoid repetition to enhance clarity. For example, instead of "so they always want to update trendy," you could say "so they always want to stay updated with the latest trends."
coherence
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and uses cohesive devices to link sentences smoothly. While the essay generally flows well, certain transitions could be improved. For example, "Furthermore" could be better replaced with "Additionally" in some contexts for variety.
introduction conclusion cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the introduction could be more engaging, and the conclusion could summarize the main points more succinctly rather than introducing new details.
task response
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt by discussing both the reasons behind the trend and its positive aspects.
clear comprehensive ideas
You present clear and comprehensive ideas, which makes your essay easy to follow.
relevant specific examples
Your essay includes relevant examples that support your main points, such as the discussion on job creation and economic development.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • trends
  • influencers
  • social acceptance
  • self-expression
  • consumer culture
  • fast fashion
  • ethical implications
  • sustainability
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • garment industry
  • psychological impact
  • creativity
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