IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Giving detailed description of crimes in newspapers and on television has bad consequences. Some people therefore suggest that the gov ernment should impose restrictions on them. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#description #crimes #newspapers #television #consequences #people #gov #ernment #restrictions
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The subject of the essay is, giving a detailed description of crimes in media that have bad consequences.
Therefore
, I give my opinions on
the
Correct word choice
whether the
show examples
 should government impose
restrictions
 on them. In the beginning, some of the breaches are detailed
described
Correct word choice
and described
show examples
 in newspapers and on television. Unfortunately, that has bad consequences.
However
, it has a few reasons.
Firstly
, the cases which have important suspects, important scenes, lawlessness history or the type of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime are interesting.
Secondly
, if the suspect couldn't be found by the police,
then
 broadcasters give the details of the breach. So, as is said, there are
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
certain reasons for giving detailed descriptions of crimes. So, broadcasting lawlessness is legally allowed, but what if
people
 are affected badly? Showing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
corruption scenes, corruption tools or weapons, lawlessness videos, photos of suspects et cetera, can cause psychological damage to some
people
 especially underages or
people
 who are sensitive
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
or affected
events
Change preposition
by events
show examples
 quickly.
Further
, these contents might be encouragements or examples for some
people
 who want to commit
breach
Add an article
a breach
show examples
. So, here is the question: Should the government impose
restrictions
 on these contents? My answer is yes. If some type of criminal content can cause psychological damage
then
 the government should impose
restrictions
 on them. Some types of
restrictions
such
, as censoring, cutting, montage, blur et cetera can be imposed. In my opinion, these
restrictions
 will not harm to freedom to watch or broadcast. Public welfare must be protected and maintained.
As a result
, Media is a good tool for sharing reports, details, and news and that can increase the knowledge of the
people
.
However
, the criminal contents might be problematic.
Thus
, I agree with the idea.
Submitted by ilyascanaltan on

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coherence cohesion
Improve clarity and fluency by using more varied sentence structures and ensuring that sentences flow smoothly. For instance, instead of saying, 'Unfortunately, that has bad consequences. However, it has a few reasons,' try 'Although detailing crimes can attract interest, it can also result in several negative outcomes.'
task achievement
Strengthen your task response by providing more specific examples and clearer explanations of your points. For instance, mention real-life cases where media coverage of crimes has led to negative consequences or psychological harm.
coherence cohesion
Work on making the introduction and conclusion stronger. Your introduction could be slightly more engaging, and your conclusion should succinctly summarize the main points of your argument. For example, you might begin with a thought-provoking question or quote and end with a compelling statement.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and you provide logical reasons that support your viewpoint. This shows a solid grasp of the issue at hand.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay is fairly well-organized, with clear paragraphs and distinct main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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