IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the prevention of health problems is more important than the treatment of illness and disease and that Government funding should reflect this?What is your opinion?

#people #prevention #health #treatment #illness #disease #government
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It is a heated debate topic what is more vital whether
treatment
Use synonyms
 or prevent
illness
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. Both sides have strong arguments,
although
Linking Words
 I think there are some necessary reasons which make
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
prevention in healthcare a more urgent topic for the government.
To begin
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 with, it is undeniable that
Use synonyms
treatment
Correct article usage
the treatment
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 of
illness
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 continues to occupy first place on the list of every country over the globe. The new ways of diagnoses have been improved by modern technology in order to know
illness
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 in early
stage
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stages
show examples
 and proper
treatment
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.
In addition
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, governments allocate the majority of the budget for finding more effective subjects for serious illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as cancer, hepatitis and HIV which are threatening numerous lives in today's community.
Nevertheless
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, how much money is spent on
treatment
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 ways, there is an increasing trend in the level of health problems across the world. It is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 fact that
the
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apply
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modern life appearances likely
bringing to
Wrong verb form
bring
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 people more comfort and safety,
also
Linking Words
 results in many detrimental nuances especially, environmental pollution, unhealthy foods,
sedentary
Correct word choice
and sedentary
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lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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. Nowadays, people live longer than in past, though their life quality is low.
However
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, statistics show that many illnesses become chronic and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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can not
treat
Wrong verb form
be treated
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. These arguments force us to attend to prevent
illness
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 more. The governments should spend more amount of money preventing chronic illnesses
such
Linking Words
 as hypertonia, diabetes which many people suffer from them in conclusion, I believe that it is a more urgent issue
preventing
Change the verb form
to prevent
show examples
illness
Use synonyms
 than
treatment
Use synonyms
 because of the mentioned points in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and flow more logically from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the introduction by presenting both sides of the debate more clearly before stating your position.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and data to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing.
task achievement
Avoid minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structure to enhance clarity.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and supports it with multiple points.
coherence cohesion
The paragraphs have a logical flow, aiding overall comprehensibility.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • healthcare costs
  • public health campaigns
  • vaccination programs
  • chronic diseases
  • economic productivity
  • absenteeism
  • quality of life
  • life expectancy
  • burden on healthcare systems
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