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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think the government has the responsibility to pay for health care and education while others don’t. Discuss and give opinions.

#people #government #responsibility #health #care #education #don’t
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There are ongoing debates regarding the responsibility of the authorities.
While
 some argue that the administration should pay for
health
 services and
education
, some have the opposite thinking. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both points of view and
also
 present my perspective. On the one hand, the government should not pay for medical care and
education
 for various reasons. One of the reasons is the enhancement of the country. By using the state profit to invest in various fields
such
 as
education
, healthcare, and science, the country will be developed
as well as
 the quality of lives of the
residents
.
For instance
, a study of Vinschool's students estimated that there was an improvement in the study experience of the learners by equipping more facilities
such
 as swimming pools, football fields, and cafeterias.
On the other hand
, the government paying for medical services and
education
 can bring various benefits and one of them can be more accessible. By providing
education
 for the
residents
 without any extra money, there will be more and more people who can have the opportunity to study, especially those who have low incomes.
For instance
, regarding a survey of Vinschool in 2023, there was a growth in the number of rural children who can go to school - double the previous year,
as a result
 of free schools that were constructed by the authorities in rural areas.
Moreover
,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
providing financial support for
health
 care can improve the
overall
health
 of the citizens. The frequency of taking physical examinations of the
residents
 will increase
as a consequence
 of not having to pay any fees. In conclusion,
while
 some believe that the government should not pay for
health
 services and
education
 to invest in other categories, the advantages of paying for the
residents
 are an increase in the accessibility and
overall
health
 of the citizens which outweigh the negative side.
Submitted by cathyngo1512 on

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Writing Style
To further improve your essay, you could work on varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of vocabulary. This will make your writing more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of proficiency. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with 'By' or 'The,' try to combine sentences or use different introductory phrases.
Argumentation
While your argument is well-developed, it could be beneficial to address more counterarguments or potential criticisms of your points. This demonstrates a deeper level of critical thinking and analysis, which can help achieve a higher score.
Essay Structure
Make sure to review the organization of your paragraphs. Currently, the first body paragraph seems to contradict itself by mentioning the importance of investing in education and healthcare while arguing against government funding. Clarifying this will make your argument stronger and more coherent.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively covers both sides of the argument, providing a balanced discussion that is crucial for a higher score in task achievement. You've successfully highlighted the key points and provided relevant examples to support them.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively summarize the main points of your essay. This helps in creating a cohesive structure and guides the reader through your arguments.
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