IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children #fault #parents
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It is considered by some that the government is in charge
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the increase in
obesity
Use synonyms
 among younger generations,
while
Linking Words
 there are many people who think that
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible
Linking Words
this
Change preposition
for this
show examples
 health problem. I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 are more
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 fault because children are highly influenced by their
parents
Use synonyms
, they can be a good or bad influencer in
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 life. On the one hand, government are responsible for kid’s
obesity
Use synonyms
 because they allow fast food industries to come up and flourish in schools and societies.
For instance
Linking Words
, children have too many options for unhealthy foods like
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
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, fries or sandwiches, which
attracted
Wrong verb form
attracts
show examples
 them, and it has an impact on their weight.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, junk foods are cheap and easily accessible in the market
instead
Linking Words
 of fresh fruits and vegetables which are costly and unavailable.
However
Linking Words
, I still feel that
parents
Use synonyms
 are more responsible
to
Change preposition
for to
show examples
 increase in
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of cases of
obesity
Use synonyms
 in youth.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people say that
parents
Use synonyms
 are
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 fault for children’s unhealthy lifestyle because they spend most of their time doing their office work and
also
Linking Words
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not introduce physical activities.
In other words
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can engage their kids in sports like cricket, football or tennis, these sports could let
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 burn more calories,
despite of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 they
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 them to play
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
video
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 on
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 or
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 are more responsible because they are not teaching them
importance
Add an article
the importance
show examples
 of health and allowing them to eat junk food.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I would like to reiterate that
obesity
Use synonyms
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major
concerns
Fix the agreement mistake
concern
show examples
 among children because of eating junk food at school or not playing sports. Even though
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 are more
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 fault
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
 not imposing rules against selling unhealthy foods, I think that
parents
Use synonyms
 are more responsible for their
offspring
Change noun form
offspring's
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
who
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 can guide them to live
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle.
Submitted by parmarheena277254 on

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task achievement
Ensure that essay addresses all parts of the task. For example, explain more clearly why some people think the government is responsible.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This helps make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing paragraphs logically. Ensure each paragraph has one central idea, clearly linked to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Revise the sentence structures to ensure clarity and fluency. This will enhance the overall readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both viewpoints and provides an opinion, covering a wide range of ideas.
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