Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
It is considered by some that the government is in charge
for
the increase in Change preposition
of
obesity
among younger generations, while
there are many people who think that parents
are responsible this
health problem. I believe that Change preposition
for this
parents
are more in
fault because children are highly influenced by their Change preposition
at
parents
, they can be a good or bad influencer in child’s
life.
On the one hand, government are responsible for kid’s Correct article usage
a child’s
obesity
because they allow fast food industries to come up and flourish in schools and societies. For instance
, children have too many options for unhealthy foods like burger
, fries or sandwiches, which Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
attracted
them, and it has an impact on their weight. Wrong verb form
attracts
Furthermore
, junk foods are cheap and easily accessible in the market instead
of fresh fruits and vegetables which are costly and unavailable. However
, I still feel that parents
are more responsible to
increase in Change preposition
for to
number
of cases of Change the article
a number
the number
obesity
in youth.
On the other hand
, some people say that parents
are in
fault for children’s unhealthy lifestyle because they spend most of their time doing their office work and Change preposition
at
also
does
not introduce physical activities. Correct subject-verb agreement
do
In other words
, parents
can engage their kids in sports like cricket, football or tennis, these sports could let child
burn more calories, Fix the agreement mistake
children
despite of
Change preposition
apply
this
they left
them to play Wrong verb form
leave
a
video Correct article usage
apply
game
on Fix the agreement mistake
games
Correct pronoun usage
their phone
phone
or Fix the agreement mistake
phones
computer
. Fix the agreement mistake
computers
For
this
reason, I believe that parents
are more responsible because they are not teaching them importance
of health and allowing them to eat junk food.
Add an article
the importance
To conclude
, I would like to reiterate that obesity
is the
major Correct article usage
a
concerns
among children because of eating junk food at school or not playing sports. Even thoughFix the agreement mistake
concern
,
Remove the comma
apply
government
are more Add an article
the government
in
fault Change preposition
at
by
not imposing rules against selling unhealthy foods, I think that Change preposition
for
parents
are more responsible for their offspring
Change noun form
offspring's
obesity
who
can guide them to live Correct word choice
and
healthy
lifestyle.Add an article
a healthy
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task achievement
Ensure that essay addresses all parts of the task. For example, explain more clearly why some people think the government is responsible.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This helps make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing paragraphs logically. Ensure each paragraph has one central idea, clearly linked to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Revise the sentence structures to ensure clarity and fluency. This will enhance the overall readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use cohesive devices more effectively to link ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure your essay well.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both viewpoints and provides an opinion, covering a wide range of ideas.