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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that family is the most powerful influence of a child's development while others thing other factors such as friends, television and music have better influence. Discuss both of views and give your opinion

#people #influence #child #development #factors #friends #television #music
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There is no doubt that family is one of the most impactful influences on a child's development.
However
, there are many
people
 who believe that other factors play a greater role in shaping a child's early life in today's time and age.
This
 short essay will look at and analyze both arguments. Obviously, forces external to one's family play an important role in how children grow up and develop. These factors -
such
 as social media, music, television and friends - have more effect than ever in these changing times. Children are exposed to digital media much more than they were in the past. They will pick up new languages, mannerisms and beliefs based on what they see online, on television and from their friends as well.
Often times
Correct your spelling
Oftentimes
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, children copy the ideals of peers that they respect and/or look up to.
This
 is generally looked upon as positive
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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, but it can backfire when the
people
 they look up to do harmful things
such
 as smoking or drinking. Ultimately,
however
, it is family who have the most significant impact. It should be no surprise that most
people
 spend
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 majority of their childhood with their family. They develop their livelihood, social skills, morals, values etc. through their interaction with their family. The evidence of
this
 can be correlated to
real world
Add a hyphen
real-world
show examples
 examples.
People
 who grow up in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dysfunctional
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
show examples
 often end up having problems with themselves later on in life. Meanwhile, those who were raised in a warm and nurturing environment usually show more confidence and self-respect when they grow up. To wrap things up, I believe that family is the most crucial factor that shapes who a child grows up to be in life.
Although
 it is no secret that there are other external factors that definitely have an impact, I'd argue that family is the biggest one.
Submitted by nbogey777 on

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task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your main points. This will make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are thoroughly supported with explanations and details.
coherence cohesion
Work on making transitions between paragraphs and ideas smoother. This will improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay provides a clear response to the question, addressing both views and giving your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively presented, helping to frame the essay well.
task achievement
You manage to cover both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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