IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Scientific developments in farming always bring major benefits. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#developments
Technological
advansments
Correct your spelling
advancements
advancement
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 brought about significant positive effects on
farming
Add an article
the farming
show examples
 industry.
While
 some
people
 argue that it
cause
Replace the word
causes
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 a big issue for our health, I mostly agree with
this
 idea, as introducing new methods to agriculture is
Correct your spelling
benefit able
benefitable
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for our lives in several ways Focusing first on the positive aspects, the major factor is to be able to output ingredients more than before by using large machines.
For example
, there are machines to emit water for crops and assess
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 qualities
of
Change preposition
apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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.
As a result
,
people
 could buy quality
comdities
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commodities
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 affordable
price
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prices
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.
Fothermore
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Furthermore
, it seems to solve the hunger issue all over the world simply because farmers can produce more crops like rice, corn, and
weat
Correct your spelling
wheat
what
.
In addition
, in Japan, where
Add an article
the aging
an aging
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aging
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ageing
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 population is becoming a big social issue, farmers can rely on machines to do their jobs
instead
 of hiring workers and paying for
labor
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labour
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 costs.
This
 is considered to be the best way to address the critical social problem in Japan.
On the other hand
, it has
a serious negative effects
Correct the article-noun agreement
serious negative effects
a serious negative effect
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our health.
People
work
Correct pronoun usage
who work
show examples
 in agriculture may use dangerous things which have toxic chemicals. It is not good especially for small children and elderly
people
 to eat unbalanced and toxic food in their daily lives. Farmers have to care about the methods of
producting
Correct your spelling
producing
production
.
To sum up
,
although
 it has a serious impact on our healthy life to a certain degree, I support
this
 idea ,
as
Change preposition
of
show examples
 solving the starving problem and
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 problem
that is
occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
 in Japan and South Korea.
Submitted by rintaro1746 on

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task achievement
While your argument is clear, try to ensure all points are fully developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing the negative health effects could benefit from more detail and specific examples.
task achievement
Ensure that all your points are relevant and specifically support your main argument. Providing more specific examples could strengthen your essay. For example, cite specific cases where farming technology has alleviated hunger.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing your paragraph transitions to make your essay flow more naturally. For instance, you can use more connective phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' and 'Additionally' to link your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is mostly cohesive, further refining the organization of ideas would help. Ensure each paragraph clearly supports your main argument and flows logically into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay starts and concludes with a clear position, which is a strong aspect of your response.
task achievement
You provided meaningful examples regarding the benefits of technological advancements in farming, particularly in addressing hunger and the aging population in Japan.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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