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Writing Samples
Band 7

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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These days, most parents are forcing their
children
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 to follow an academic major and become
a
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apply
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professional
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professionals
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 in the future. They argue that by removing non-academic syllabi,
children
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 can put all their effort into developing themselves in academic fields. I agree that it's important to schedule school classes in a more academic way;
however
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, I believe that removing all non-academic subjects is not an educated decision. On the one hand, the main reason for studying in academic institutions like schools is to prepare
children
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 for pursuing academic fields at universities
,
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 and offering more academic lessons during childhood can build their educational foundation for the following years.
For example
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, if a child decides to become a medical doctor, having strong biological knowledge is a crucial part of their toolkit.
Thus
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, there is no doubt that learning academic subjects requires a significant portion of the school timetable.
On the other hand
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, teaching extracurricular activities
such
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 as art, music, and
sport
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sports
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 is one of the most effective methods to nourish
children
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 at early ages with useful
skills
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.
For instance
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, learning football is a good way to teach pupils teamwork. These
skills
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 are as important as professional knowledge. The ability to act as a valuable team player is a vital skill even in serious professions like surgery.
For
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this
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 reason, I contend that removing these programs is not a good idea; they can equip young individuals with broader
skills
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 to contribute to society. In conclusion, I believe that as long as academic subjects are priorities, it is
also
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 important to hold some extracurricular classes at schools.
This
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 attitude can provide a strong balance between a student's knowledge and
skills
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.

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task achievement
Your arguments are strong, but you could improve your task response by addressing potential counterarguments. This would show a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
task achievement
Ensure all points are fully explained and elaborated. A bit more detail in some examples would strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
Consider using more advanced transitional phrases to further enhance the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Try to vary your sentence structures to keep the reader engaged and to demonstrate a higher level of proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with each paragraph contributing to your overall argument.
task achievement
You provided relevant and specific examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument.
task achievement
Overall, your ideas are clear and comprehensive, and you have effectively addressed the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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