IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

You joined a sports club recently and are experiencing some problems. Write to the club manager. In your letter Say why you joined the club Explain about the problems you are experiencing Suggest solutions to fix them

#sports #club #manager
Dear Sir, I am writing
this
 to express the
disappointments
Fix the agreement mistake
disappointment
show examples
 that I noticed in your
sports
club
. I joined
this
sports
club
last
 week
due to
 its popularity in society. The reason behind Joining the
sports
club
 is to spend my time in some leisure activities and socialise with people. I moved into
this
 area
last
 month and everything is novel to me so I decided to join the
club
 which can assist me to know more about the surroundings and residents of
this
 area.
Although
this
 leisure centre has plenty of facilities available
such
 as a gym, swimming classes and a playground for children, the management should
also
 offer yoga classes for older people who can not go gym.
Moreover
, the space available for
sports
 activities is tiny results in making it crowded because numerous children visit here to play games in the evenings. I would like to suggest
you
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
that widening the area for
sports
 activities by removing the wall between
playground
Add an article
the playground
a playground
show examples
 and other vacant land would be great.
Also
, you can apply membership charges for younger and middle age people which leads to
have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
 extra funding available for the development of the
club
. I hope you will consider the above suggestions and
further
 discuss them with your members of the committee. Yours faithfully, Harmeet Kaur
Submitted by harmeetkohli31 on

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task achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the task comprehensively by including more detail and examples of the problems you're encountering.
coherence cohesion
Use transitional phrases and cohesive devices more effectively to enhance the logical flow between your ideas (e.g., 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' 'In addition,' 'Therefore').
coherence cohesion
Try to develop your paragraphs more fully by focusing on a single idea per paragraph and expanding it with supporting details.
task achievement
The reason for joining the club is clearly stated, providing a clear context for the rest of the letter.
task achievement
The letter maintains a polite and appropriate tone throughout, which is suitable for writing to a club manager.
coherence cohesion
Effective use of greeting and closing, which contributes to the formal tone of the letter.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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