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Band 5

Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #advertisements #products #lives
It is argued by some
people
 that advertising could lead to unnecessary consumption
while
 others believe it helps popularize new goods that could enhance
people
’s living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
. To a certain extent, I believe that promotion contributes to
people
 using their money for unnecessary purposes.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give a nuanced approach. On one hand, advertising is one of the most important and effective ways to manipulate
people
 into thinking that consuming more
products
 is a need. Compared to the past, electronic cigarettes
used to be
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 a big success in the 2000s because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 prevented many
cigars
Fix the agreement mistake
cigar
show examples
 addicts from having tuberculosis and lung cancer.
However
, nowadays when the market is saturated, there are
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 chances to invent a new revolutionary product that changes
people
’s lives. Even if there are life-changing
products
, it will likely be harder to access customers
due to
 the acquisition of big companies, since they only care about their own benefits.
On the other hand
, I believe that the major purpose of promotion is persuading customers to buy
products
 regardless of their intended use. Companies often exaggerate small features to promote.
For example
, there are no differences in features between
Iphone
Correct your spelling
iPhone
 11 and 12
besides
 their size and their price.
However
, Apple can still sell a lot of
products
due to
 their marketing tricks, since they only focus on profits
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 on their customers' experiences.
Moreover
, businesses hire the most glamorous and beautiful influencers to sponsor their
products
. consequences, more and more
people
 will purchase the product, not only because of the brand’s images but
also
 because of the model’s images. In conclusion, I agree that advertising is successful at encouraging us to use our money on unnecessary
products
 because of their talented way
to manipulate
Change preposition
of manipulating
show examples
people
.
Submitted by document.hanie on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that you address all parts of the task more directly and with specific detail. Make sure your argument is balanced, giving equal weight to both sides if you are discussing two viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, try to use more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one to the next.
task achievement
Expand on the examples provided and make them more specific and varied. This will help to support your main points more convincingly.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and a conclusion, which bring the essay together well.
supported main points
You've used some good examples to illustrate your points, which helps to make your argument more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • persuade
  • manipulative
  • unnecessary
  • excessive
  • artificial needs
  • desires
  • consumers
  • oversaturation
  • impulse buying
  • financial problems
  • inform
  • educate
  • features
  • benefits
  • innovations
  • raise awareness
  • social issues
  • positive behavior
  • enrich
  • well-being
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