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Band 5.5

Some people believe that elderly employees are more useful to a company, while others believe that young employees are better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #employees #company
It's true that
this
 issue is polarizing. Some people believe that elderly
employees
 are more useful,
while
 others believe that young
employees
 are better. For the former, they might think that elderly
employees
 have
necessary
Add an article
the necessary
show examples
 experience needed to help guide
company's
Correct article usage
the company's
show examples
 decision. Elderly
employees
 might have faced repeated problems that might arrive again, so they are likely the
ones
 who have the most formidable solution going through several iterated attempts. Elderly
employees
also
 are more likely to have well-formed personality
trait
Fix the agreement mistake
traits
show examples
 that might be more needed depending on what kind of problems the
company
 will face. For a
company
 where
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
show examples
work
culture
 is regarded as valuable, having elderly
employees
 is
also
 important because they are more likely to have adapted the
company
's
culture
 habitually for a long time and can help conserve the
culture
 of the
company
 by giving necessary guidance to the younger
ones
.
On the other hand
, young
employees
also
 have some merit and valuable traits that the elder
ones
 might not have possessed.
For example
, younger
employees
 are more creative and adaptable
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and tend to be more tech-savvy. Younger
employees
also
 tend to be more energetic so they can handle more
work
 effectively. In the end, I think the answer should depend on the
company
's objectives and
work
culture
, and it's more about having a well-balanced ratio between the two kinds. If it's a new
company
, more tech-oriented and
require
Change the verb form
requires
show examples
work
 in
fast-paced
Add an article
a fast-paced
show examples
 and highly turbulent environment, having a ratio that leans slightly towards younger
ones
 might be more fitting.
Whereas
 if it's a well-established
company
 and
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 enjoyed a stable style of working and
culture
,
then
 more older
employees
 might be preferable.
Submitted by as on

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task achievement
Your essay does a great job of addressing both views on the topic and providing a balanced opinion. To improve further, consider elaborating more on specific examples to substantiate your points.
coherence cohesion
You clearly outlined your points and structured your essay well. To make it even better, ensure that the introduction sets the stage for the discussion more clearly, and include a more concise conclusion that summarizes your viewpoint effectively.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which shows deep understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured, and each paragraph flows well into the next.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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