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Band 5

In many countries, the amount o f crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes o f crime? How can we deal with those causes?

#countries #amount #f #crime
Nowadays,
crime
 is in increasing trend all over the world. Every day, we hear news of new ways cruelties are committed. One reason for more lawlessness is because of the increasing unemployment rate and authorities can solve it by creating more job opportunities. On the one hand, the ever-increasing world population contributes to unemployment around the world.
Besides
, when more citizens are without jobs, they do not have a good living standard and live in poverty
thus
 causing men and women alike to turn to
crime
such
 as robbery, selling drugs and murder to meet their daily needs.
For example
, India has one of the highest populations and despite having so many work
workforce
Fix the agreement mistake
workforces
show examples
,
crime
 rates
are still not be
Change the verb form
are still not
show examples
 able to controlled and yet many crimes are not reported.
On the other hand
, having a higher population can be seen as a positive solution as there will be more workforce for the industrial sector. Authorities could invest in and train young people especially to provide the education and skills needed for the job market.
For instance
, Malaysia provides many government-funded skill classes for young people to acquire skills so that they can start up their businesses. In conclusion,
although
, unemployment could cause more
crime
 in many countries, the government could bring it under control by providing skill workshops.
Submitted by abphobos70 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph addresses only one main idea to improve clarity and coherence. For example, Paragraph 1 discusses both causes and solutions which could be clearer if separated into two paragraphs.
task achievement
Expand on the ideas to make your essay more comprehensive. For example, you could provide more specific examples or statistics to support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Proofread the essay to avoid small grammatical mistakes and awkward phrasing. For example, 'crime is in increasing trend' should be 'crime is on the rise' and 'despite having so many work workforce' should be 'despite having a large workforce'.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in organizing the points logically.
task achievement
You appropriately identified unemployment and overpopulation as major causes of crime, which is relevant to the task prompt.
task achievement
The recommendation of skill workshops and government intervention provides a practical solution to the problem, making the response comprehensive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • socioeconomic factors
  • poverty
  • unemployment
  • dysfunctional families
  • parental guidance
  • peer pressure
  • substance abuse
  • lenient laws
  • weak enforcement
  • legal system
  • law enforcement
  • media influence
  • desensitize
  • glorification of crime
What to do next:
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