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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Gaming is argued to have a bad influence on young children but some people think that it could have a positive effect on them as well. Which view do you agree with? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.

#influence #children #people #effect
Whether gaming can negatively impact the young generation has become an ongoing debate since the invention of computer
games
. Even though I believe that gaming could help adults to
relive
Correct your spelling
relieve
show examples
 stress, it is not recommended for young
children
 to give
games
 a try
due to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 addictive nature and inappropriate
content
. I will explain these points with examples in the following essay. To start with,
games
 are designed to be captivating and engaging to attract
user
Fix the agreement mistake
users
show examples
 to play. Most young
children
, if not all, who do not have the maturity to resist distractions, could be obsessed with gaming because they are generally more interesting than books. Gaming addiction, a worldwide common
issues
Fix the agreement mistake
issue
show examples
, can drive pupils’ focus away from
study
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
 to
games
. Millions of adult addicts are suffering from the impulsive need to play and cannot help getting rid of the interactive entertainment, let alone the young
children
 who have greater difficulty with self-control.
In addition
 to addiction, inappropriate
content
 in
games
also
 worries parents that their
children
 might learn violent and sexual ideas from them.
First,
violent and action theme dominates the market. Take the popular gun game CoS as an example, players need to kill others to win. It undeniably arouses
children
’s interest
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 guns and weapons
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and might lead to
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 issues, if they want to mimic the characters in the virtual world.
Secondly
, sexually explicit materials are often adopted in
games
 as well, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
animated
Correct pronoun usage
animated ones
show examples
. Introducing interactive entertainment to toddlers means exposing them
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 inappropriate
content
. In conclusion, gaming has detrimental effects on young students, leading them to addictive
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 at the
expenses
Fix the agreement mistake
expense
show examples
 of academic performance and exposing them
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 inappropriate
content
. It is
therefore
 not recommended for parents to allow their
children
 to play
games
 at
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age.
Submitted by an on

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task achievement
While your essay presents clear ideas and provides examples, try to elaborate more on each main point to make a more convincing argument. This will enhance the completeness of your response.
coherence cohesion
Ensuring a smooth transition between paragraphs can help improve the overall logic flow of the essay. Try using more cohesive devices and linking words.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for your argument and outlines the main points you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes with a clear summary of your stance, reinforcing your argument and providing a solid wrap-up.
task achievement
You have supported your points with relevant examples, such as the reference to the game CoS, which strengthens your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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