IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
That
sugar
Use synonyms
 is harmful when it is taken more than usual is an undeniable fact. In spite of
this
Linking Words
 fact, many companies produce
products
Use synonyms
 that consist of a lot of
sugar
Use synonyms
. Whether increasing the price of these kinds of
products
Use synonyms
 to make
people
Use synonyms
 stay away from
sugar
Use synonyms
 or not is a controversial idea. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion and think they shouldn’t be more expensive. First of all, I believe that many
people
Use synonyms
 tend to purchase more expensive
products
Use synonyms
 when it comes to eating because they think higher-priced foods are more delicious.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it may be more attractive to
people
Use synonyms
 when it is unreachable.
For example
Linking Words
, I generally choose the big burgers outside when I want to be satisfied and I look for the expensive ones. In my opinion, many
people
Use synonyms
 are doing the same.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is not a good idea to make not cheap the foods.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 me, many cheap manufactured foods are more dangerous for human health since they include many destructive ingredients.
Hence
Linking Words
, if the costs are increased, many
people
Use synonyms
 will go for the cheap
products
Use synonyms
 ignoring the danger
also
Linking Words
.
For instance
Linking Words
, a family who is trying to live under difficult conditions would always buy reasonable
products
Use synonyms
 for their children. That’s why higher prices could have more demolishing effects on
people
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 argument. Encouraging
people
Use synonyms
 to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
 is a good idea but, higher prices are not.
However
Linking Words
, governments can consider other options for human health.
Submitted by abdullahsakirsimsek on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The ideas are generally clear but can be enhanced by providing more specific examples to better support the arguments. Try to replace vague or general examples with concrete ones.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by using a wider range of cohesive devices and connectors. This will help in linking your ideas more smoothly and improving the flow of your essay.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are strong and clearly state your position on the topic.
logical structure
You have a logical structure in your essay, with each paragraph addressing a specific point.
task achievement
You have successfully identified and explained the reasons why increasing prices may not be effective in reducing sugar consumption.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: