IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. Do you agree or disagree?

There is currently a contentious argument over whether the surge in
violence
Use synonyms
 portrayed on television has negatively affected
children
Use synonyms
's behaviour. I completely agree with the statement because
violence
Use synonyms
 aggravates aggressive behaviour in
children
Use synonyms
 and it's the main reason for increased mental health problems. The main reason why I believe higher exposure to
violence
Use synonyms
 shown on television can provoke bad attitudes in
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
's minds are delicate and they mostly learn from what they see. If they are continuously exposed to violent programs shown on TV, movies and video games, they will eventually become desensitized to
violence
Use synonyms
 and will perceive
violence
Use synonyms
 as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts or to show power over others. To illustrate
this
Linking Words
, we can take an example of bullying in schools, some kids bully others to show an apathetic attitude and create an environment of fear among other kids. Another reason why
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that exposure to
violence
Use synonyms
 has negative impacts on
children
Use synonyms
's behaviour is because it has heightened mental health problems
such
Linking Words
 as fear, anxiety and panic attacks in
children
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 with continuous exposure to
violence
Use synonyms
 are unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy, leading to the feeling of confusion, insecurity and inability to express emotions.
This
Linking Words
 can result in long-term behavioural problems
such
Linking Words
 as nightmares, insomnia and withdrawal from social interactions. In conclusion,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 would completely agree that the prevalence of
violence
Use synonyms
 on television has detrimental effects on
children
Use synonyms
 and society as well.
This
Linking Words
 growing concern can only be solved if parents, policymakers and media producers move forward with a collaborative approach to restrict
violence
Use synonyms
 and promote media literacy among
children
Use synonyms
 to safeguard them from the harmful effects of
violence
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your agreement, but try to include a brief overview of your main points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs each have a clear main idea and follow a logical order, with smooth connections between them.
grammar
Remember to capitalize 'I' and the beginning of sentences to improve the overall presentation of your essay.
task achievement
Try to provide specific examples from real life or studies to support your points more clearly.
task achievement
You have a clear position and stand on the topic, stating your agreement with the statement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • mimicking
  • aggressive
  • idolize
  • fear or anxiety
  • social interactions
  • mental health
  • proactive
  • supervision
  • content
What to do next:
Look at other essays: