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Writing Samples
Band 5

In the past, people lived in one place for a long time, but now they can live in many different places. What are the reasons? Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #place #time #places #development
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Centruies
Correct your spelling
Centuries
 ago,when
travel
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 facilities were only in
budding
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the budding
show examples
 stage,
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
 population stayed in
one
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 geographical location for
entire
Correct article usage
the entire
show examples
life-time
Correct your spelling
lifetime
show examples
.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
mobility
Correct article usage
the mobility
show examples
 of
communiities
Correct your spelling
communities
 is
rapidily
Correct your spelling
rapidly
 evolving now.
One
Use synonyms
 can say that
this
Linking Words
 is a positive
development
Use synonyms
 despite some deleterious effects of
this
Linking Words
 migration.
This
Linking Words
 essay examines the causes of
this
Linking Words
 movement of
people
Use synonyms
 and why it is a
positve
Correct your spelling
positive
development
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with,
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
 and foremost reason for
people
Use synonyms
 to
travel
Use synonyms
 is that the distribution of the resources on the Earth is not uniform. When a community is saturated with population, the resources
are become
Change to the active voice
become
have become
show examples
 scarce to thrive. So individuals with greater
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
 start to think about exploring far places.
For example
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, the
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 in developing countries drives
people
Use synonyms
 to the West.
In addition
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,
travel
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 facilities are much faster nowadays, which allows
to
Correct pronoun usage
us to
show examples
 commute
safer
Replace the word
safely
show examples
 and faster.
For instance
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, long ago, only ships were used to reach far shores, which consumed a lot of time and
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 of the sailors
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
also
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 at risk. But air
travel
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 has revolutionised the movement now and
people
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 move easily to different places.
One
Use synonyms
 can easily consider
this
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 as a positive indicator
although
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 there are some negatives. The reason why it is so
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is that a mobile community adds variety which enables the community to grow as a whole rather than being stagnant.
People
Use synonyms
 from
differnt
Correct your spelling
different
 places
nourishes
Change the verb form
nourish
show examples
 the culture. The best example of
this
Linking Words
 is
Britian
Correct your spelling
Britain
.
Migrant
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The migrant
show examples
 workforce has given
all inclusive
Add a hyphen
all-inclusive
show examples
 work culture in their NHS.
Hence
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,
one
Use synonyms
 can say that it is a positive
development
Use synonyms
.
To conclude
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, mankind has always been wandering to find
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 best location to live
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
, and in
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
show examples
 world, it has sped up a lot. It is a positive
development
Use synonyms
 and should be encouraged.
Submitted by krishnabalu1984 on

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Grammar
Avoid spelling and typographical errors. Examples include: 'Centruies' instead of 'centuries', 'unemployement' instead of 'unemployment', 'communities' instead of 'communiities', and 'positive' instead of 'positve'.
Coherence
Work on sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences and improve clarity. For instance, 'Moreover, rapid transportation advancements and globalization have significantly contributed to people's ability to live and work in different places.'
Task Response
Provide more specific examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments. Instead of saying 'Migrant workforce has given all inclusive work culture in their NHS,' you might say, 'For example, in the UK, the influx of skilled migrant workers has filled gaps in the healthcare sector, significantly improving service delivery in the National Health Service (NHS).'
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the topic well and provides a balanced view on the movement of people and its effects.
Coherence
The introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good framework for the essay.
Coherence
The main points are logical and relevant to the essay topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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