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Band 3.5

The use of cellphones has increased in this twenty-first century. Additionally, Cellphones can now be used for many purposes besides of making calls only. What are the advantages and disadvantages

#cellphones #century #purposes
The
cellphones
 have advanced
features
 now which make them multifunctional
therefore
 their
usage
 has increased in
twenty-first
Change the article
the twenty-first
show examples
 century. The addition of many
features
such
 as cameras, scanners and
detecters
Correct your spelling
detectors
show examples
 have made
cellphones
multi purposeful
Correct your spelling
multi-purpose
show examples
 apart from being just a calling device. All these added
features
 make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile phone
usage
 have both, its pros and cons. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the advantages are higher than the disadvantages associated with the
use
 of
cellphones
. The cellphone has a feature that allows users to access
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
.
This
 means that users now have convenient
palm sized
Add a hyphen
palm-sized
show examples
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 to keep connected to all the information
worlwide
Correct your spelling
worldwide
.
This
 helps people to learn on the go.
Its
Replace the word
It's
It is
show examples
 a big advantage that has
lead
Wrong verb form
led
show examples
 to the increase in
use
Add an article
the use
show examples
 of
cellphones
 in
twenty
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
firsst
Correct your spelling
twenty-first
 century. The heavy
usage
 of the mobile device has created many health problems. Users get glued to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mobile screens for long hours.
Due to
this
, issues
such
 as neck pain and
eye sight
Correct your spelling
eyesight
show examples
 loss have been reported.
Besides
this
, there is a disadvantage of access to inappropriate content too.
Cellphones
along with
 all the
features
 they have built-in now, have become a necessity today. The
usage
 will continue to increase as more new
features
 keep coming up. The advantages that come with the
use
 of cell
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 must be fully taken and the disadvantages must be avoided through controlled
use
,
Submitted by hudibaiqbal on

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task response
Your essay would benefit from having more specific examples to support your main points. For instance, when talking about health problems, you could mention specific studies or statistics to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is generally good, but there are areas where you could enhance clarity. For example, you might use more linking words or phrases (like 'moreover', 'furthermore', 'on the other hand') to make your arguments flow more smoothly.
general english
Pay attention to minor grammatical mistakes and word choices. For instance, 'firsst' should be 'first' and 'detectors' instead of 'detecters'. These errors can be distracting, even if they don't largely impact your overall argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your essay. You make it very clear that you believe the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which gives a strong thesis for your essay.
logical structure
The main points of your essay are clear and logically organized. Each paragraph has a clear focus, which helps to keep the reader on track.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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