IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Money is important in most people’s lives. Although some people think it is more important than others. What do you feel are the right uses of money? What other factors are important for a good life? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience

#money #people’s #lives #people #right #factors #life
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The modern world runs around money. Many people believe that it is the most valuable part and nothing stands equivalent to it. In
this
 essay, we will not only discuss the correct usage of the currency but
also
 highlight other points which play a crucial role in
one
's life. In my opinion, wealth spent on food, health, travel and quality time is worth the spending.
Moreover
 as per my knowledge from the famous book "The Rich Dad and The Poor Dad" the right way to use money is to make it work for us. It should not be used for non-essential items but rather invested in the right direction so it can generate an extra source of income.
Furthermore
,
according to
 me,
one
 should try to purchase more assets than liabilities in order to get greater revenue in future.
Conversely
, there are various other elements that improve our lifestyle. The two important factors are Health and Family.
One
 should equally prioritize them.
For instance
, my uncle used to work 16 hours a day and he barely had time to sit with his parents. He always chose to ignore them and focused on earning profit.
One
 day, my grandmother was really sick, she tried calling him but he didn't respond. She called multiple times but he kept on neglecting her. As her pain was increasing she had no option but to dial the emergency number. The ambulance came and took her to hospital. Luckily, she saved herself but that day my uncle learnt a lesson. He repented a lot and asked for forgiveness from his parents and almighty. In conclusion, there is no doubt that funds are
necessity
Correct article usage
a necessity
show examples
however
, we need to value other factors equally in order to gain
peaceful
Correct article usage
a peaceful
show examples
 and successful life.
Submitted by dkaur on

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task achievement
While your essay has a clear structure and introduction, try to expand more on the examples given. Specific details can further strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are clear and logically structured, but consider using more varied linking words to enhance cohesion throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be further refined for clarity. For example, 'Moreover as per my knowledge...' could be smoother if written as 'Moreover, according to...'.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
relevant specific examples
Relevant and specific examples were provided to support the main points, which strengthens the task response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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