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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many young people do not know how to manage their money when graduating high school. What do you think are the reason what an be done to teach them this important skills

#people #money #school #reason #be #skills
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Nowadays, more a more youngers who have just graduated high
school
 have a lack of knowledge about managing their financial resources.
While
 the main reason is financial independence provided by younger
parents
 , It could be solved by trading
lessons
 about
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 at
school
.
Parents
 who do not set limits to investing
money
 could be considered as the main reason why the younger generation does not know how to manage their financial resources. Youth should care about neither taking
money
 nor the amount or way of spending it
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since
parents
 would constantly cover their expenses.
For instance
, when adults have the freedom to spend
money
, they own items that actually are not affordable or necessary.
As a result
, they would keep
with
Change preposition
up with
show examples
this
 habit and might become bankrupt.
Therefore
,
Parents
 are the main characters why teenagers cannot invest cash rationally
Although
parents
 have led to
this
 issue, it could be solved by involving
lessons
 about the financial pyramid
as well as
 business at schools. If applicants have
this
 subject they will be able to cope with financial difficulties since they have been educated in
this
 commerce.
For example
, when there are
lessons
 about finances at
school
, pupils can not only own necessary goods but
also
 save them with profits
such
 as in banks.
Thus
, trading
lessons
 could provide a littered generation in
this
 field. In conclusion, the main objects that contribute to unacknowledged
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
 in
money
 management
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 their
parents
,
while
 the solution is at
school
 environments and faculties they have. If we had
this
 answer previously, we would be protected from financial tricks
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but the argument could be developed further with more detailed reasoning and a clearer connection between ideas. Be sure to elaborate on points and provide additional examples.
coherence cohesion
Work on refining cohesion by improving transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Use linking words and connectors to ensure a smooth flow of information.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in maintaining a structured response.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to support the main points, like the example of financial independence leading to a lack of financial knowledge.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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