IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Should Children be encouraged to be competitive in sports and other activities? Or is it better for them to learn the benefits of co-operating with other people? Discuss both these views and give your own answer.

#children #sports #activities #people
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There are many different opinions about
encouraged
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
 children to be competitive or co-operating. In my
mind
Use synonyms
, both of them
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
positive effects
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their lives and developing
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
, but I believe being
co-operative
Correct your spelling
cooperative
show examples
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 competitive. Being
co-operative
Correct your spelling
cooperative
show examples
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 people to get
along with
Linking Words
 each other easily. When you gather competitive people they only think about how they become the best person
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
group
Use synonyms
 and they don’t think about
this
Linking Words
 if all of us become the best what
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
. In developed
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 you need professionals who are
co-operative
Correct your spelling
cooperative
show examples
. that means they can work as
team
Add an article
a team
show examples
 to achieve goals. There is no me in that kind of
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
 the most important thing in that
group
Use synonyms
 is how we can achieve our goal. All the team is
caregiver
Fix the agreement mistake
caregivers
show examples
 and more or less they want to help others. If your experts don’t want to work as
team
Add an article
a team
show examples
 or want to work
lonely
Correct your spelling
alone
show examples
 there is no way to achieve the goals. Maybe is there a chance but it takes so long to process. But
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the other hand, competitive minds have their own benefits which could not be included in
co-operative
Add an article
the co-operative
a co-operative
show examples
. Competitive humans, think
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the best and fastest way to achieve
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 goals so they will be the first
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 who achieve
that
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. They want to be the best person in the
group
Use synonyms
 and
this
Linking Words
 attitude
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
other folks to develop their self to become more and more practical.
Co-operative
Correct determiner usage
A cooperative
show examples
mind
Use synonyms
 and
competitive
Correct article usage
a competitive
show examples
mind
Use synonyms
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 their own advantages and disadvantages to
Use synonyms
group
Correct article usage
a group
show examples
 or society and we need both. But if you want
chose
Change the verb form
to choose
show examples
 which one is more important and has more impact, I say Co-operative
mind
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ramenosko on

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task achievement
To improve task achievement, introduce more specific examples to support your points. This will provide concrete evidence and make your arguments more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
For enhanced coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph flows logically and is connected well with transition words. This will make your essay easier to follow and more organized.
task achievement
To enhance clarity and comprehensiveness of ideas, elaborate a bit more on each point. Offer deeper insights or explanations to make your argument more robust.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view which is crucial for this type of task.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which frames the essay well.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported in general, providing a good structure to the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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