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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Modern children are suffering from diseases that were once considered to only be meant for adults. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes, and what solutions can be offered?

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Recently, some diseases have started in
children
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 and can have a negative effect on growing moments until adolescence,
for example
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, obesity can cause
children
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 to suffer.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes and solutions with two points
consist
Wrong verb form
consisting
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 of unhealthy
food
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 and education healthy life.
To begin
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, one of the causes of being overweight is unhealthy
food
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 that many
children
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 usually buy
in
Change preposition
apply
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outside their home.
That is
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due to
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 the fact that
parents
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 cannot maintain their
children
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 every time and everywhere.
For instance
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, when
children
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 learn at school or play with their friends, they can buy everything they want
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and without asking their
parents
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. Many times, they eat enormous types of
food
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 that have high salt ingredients.
Moreover
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,
children
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 like sweet drinks that have high sugar compotitions. 
As a result
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, some modern
children
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 are already obese since childhood until they grow to be teenagers.
Subsequently
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,
parents
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 and teachers should have good communication, so they can maintain
food
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 and drink activities for their
children
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 and students easily. The main reason is
children
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 do not understand and select how the way to eat healthy and avoid unhealthy
food
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.
Therefore
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, every school has to make some educational
such
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 as making a poster and showing a short movie related to education about good
food
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. Not only that,
parents
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 can
also
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 give some videos about how important it is to maintain a diet. Following that, hopefully, the number of
children
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 who have an obesity illness can significantly decrease year by year.
To sum up
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, obesity is one of the dangerous health issues for
children
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 because it can make
a
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 overweight until they have been growing to be adults. The main cause is unhealthy
food
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 that the
children
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 usually eat and the solution is maintaining and giving education for
children
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 to
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 lifestyle.

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task achievement
The essay effectively addresses the task prompt, but it would benefit from including more specific and relevant examples. This can help illustrate your points more vividly and make the argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can be achieved by using linking words and phrases like 'Moreover,' 'Furthermore,' and 'Consequently.'
coherence cohesion
Some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing are present. Consider revising sentences for better clarity. Using tools like Grammarly or having someone else proofread your work can be helpful.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is clear, with a well-defined introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both causes and solutions, fulfilling the requirements of the task.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Prevalent
  • Genetic predisposition
  • Comfort eating
  • Screen time
  • Physical education
  • Nutritional education
  • Economic disparities
  • Food deserts
  • Subsidize
  • Advertising
  • Weight management
  • Junk food
  • Healthy food options
  • Physical activity
  • Body image
  • Counseling
  • Consumer education
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