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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, while at he same time, the military service are in need of people. compulsory military service is beneficial and neccessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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It is sometimes believed that compulsory military
service
Use synonyms
 is useful and vital in case there are many unemployed and unskilled youth in the country. The author of
this
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 essay totally
disagree
Change the verb form
disagrees
show examples
 with
this
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 statement for several reasons. The first point given to support my opinion is the environment of
military
Add an article
the military
a military
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 is strict.
This
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 is because
people
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 have to do extreme work
such
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 as running or standing outside under the sun for a long time.
Therefore
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, they can not catch up with others and can get sick if they
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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lack
of
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apply
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durability and energy.
For instance
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 ,in Vietnam ,there was a news
recorded
Wrong verb form
record
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a
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of a
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large number of
soldier
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soldiers
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 ran out of energy
while
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 they
was
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were
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 running .
This
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 is why
i
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I
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 think
people
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 should not be forced to take military
service
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. Another reason behind my belief is that going for military
service
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 is the best way to waste time. To explain more, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries require at least 2 years for
this
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, meaning that
soldier
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soldiers
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 don’t know what happening outside and they only gain a
few
Correct quantifier usage
little
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 money after finishing military
service
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 .
Thus
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,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 large amount of
people
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 don’t have stable work after military
service
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 because they don’t have enough knowledge. So , they should be motivated to learn
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 and work
for helping
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to help
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 the economy
instead
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 of doing military
service
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.
For
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this
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 reason, I believe that military
service
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 should not be compelled. In conclusion, I entirely disagree that compulsory military
service
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 is
Correct your spelling
necessary
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 and beneficial because some
people
Use synonyms
 can not adjust to the environment
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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and it
also
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waste
Change the verb form
wastes
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 the time of the youth.

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task achievement
Try to provide more relevant and diverse examples to support your points. This will help strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on proofreading your essay for grammatical and punctuation errors to make your writing clearer and more professional.
task achievement
Expand on the main points a bit more, providing clear explanations and avoiding repetition.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively state your position on the topic.
task achievement
Your essay covers the main reasons for your disagreement with compulsory military service, providing a complete response to the question.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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