IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Governments give lots of support to artists, even though some people think it is a waste of money that could have been spent better elsewhere. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#governments #lots #support #artists #people #waste #money
Many artists are well supported by their governments, but some feel that
this
 is a misuse of taxpayers’
money
.
Although
 many arts venues would have to cease operating without
such
 funding, I feel that public healthcare is in more urgent need of the
money
. On the one hand, without some help from their government, many arts institutions may have to close. It is difficult for theatres and other
such
 places to generate profit, so it is important that governments assist these institutions so that they can continue to provide entertainment to the public.
For example
, there are many open-air concerts in the summer months in the UK which would not exist without the financial backing of local councils.
However
, I would argue that if these places were popular enough, they would be able to generate their own income.
On the other hand
, public hospitals all over the world are under financial strain. It would seem obvious that people’s health is of more importance than people’s entertainment, so
this
money
 should be given to hospitals to upgrade equipment and shorten waiting lists.
For instance
, Downshire Hospital in Ireland has blamed a lack of public funding for its shortage of nurses and available beds.
Therefore
, I feel that the
money
 given to artists should be redirected to the healthcare system. In conclusion,
although
 there would be fewer venues dedicated to presenting the work of artists, I maintain that government funds should be put into hospitals because people’s health is a more worthy cause.
Submitted by emteeme on

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured, but you could enhance the clarity of your argument by elaborating more on why healthcare needs are more urgent than cultural funding. A deeper analysis would make your argument more compelling.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant, but you could increase their specificity. For instance, when discussing the UK's open-air concerts, give an example of a specific concert series that benefits from government funding.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs flow well and connect logically. However, using more transitional phrases would improve the readability and cohesion. For example, words like 'moreover,' 'consequently,' and 'on the contrary' could help to better guide the reader through your arguments.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay has a clear and effective introduction and conclusion. This helps the reader understand your main argument from the outset and provides a satisfactory closure.
logical structure
The logical structure of your essay is strong. You present both views on the issue and your personal opinion clearly, which makes your essay easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • government patronage
  • cultural heritage
  • national identity
  • creative industries
  • unnecessary expense
  • essential services
  • democratize
  • private patronage
  • market forces
  • innovation
  • boost tourism
  • subjective nature
  • allocated ineffectively
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