IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold . To what extent do you agree or disagree ? Give reason for your answer and include,any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#sales #consumer #goods #power #society #reason
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When the
first
 astronaut put his
step
 on the
Moon
, he said that it
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a huge
step
 for humanity.
However
, some individuals state that it does not have any impact on our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, so it is not that essential to travel to the
Moon
. I strongly disagree with
this
 opinion, since
this
 is an egocentric view that has not been fully analyzed. In conclusion, I completely disagree that
people
 should underestimate the value of the
first
 human
step
 on the
moon
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since it has been the
first
 chain of sequential inventions and
motivating
Correct article usage
a motivating
show examples
 source for many
people
 to open the doors of
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
future
.
Besides
, having inspired an increasing number of children is another reason that makes it a big salam
step
. Namely, despite their daily challenges, our youngsters are more hopeful and determined about their
future
. It is a motivating factor to serve
for having
Change preposition
to have
show examples
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 and sustainable
future
 in many fields, albeit to make a great amount of money for themselves. In the USA,
for instance
, it is observed that students are inclined to be more motivated to make a difference in their field
such
 as computer science and medicine, which will lead to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more breakthroughs to shape
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
future
 for all humanity. In conclusion, I completely disagree that
people
 should underestimate the value of the
first
 human
step
 on the
moon
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since it has been the
first
 chain of sequential inventions and
motivating
Correct article usage
a motivating
show examples
 source for many
people
 to open the doors of 
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 
future
.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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introduction
The introduction does a good job in stating the thesis, but it should give a brief overview of the main points to be discussed. Revise the introduction to provide a clear roadmap for the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Work on paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence. This will improve the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. Real-world examples and data can make your arguments more convincing.
conclusion
Watch for repetition, particularly in the conclusion, where the same sentence is repeated. Refine your conclusion to summarize the key points made in the essay without redundancy.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear position on the topic, demonstrating strong personal engagement and argumentation skills.
coherence and cohesion
There is an evident structure with an introduction and conclusion present.
language use
The use of phrases like 'egocentric view' and 'increasing number of children' shows a good range of vocabulary and expression.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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