IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

It is clear from the graph that the ratio of smoking men were the highest over the period given, while the women were the lowest in general.

It is clear from the graph that the ratio of smoking men were the highest over the period given, while the women were the lowest in general.
#ratio #men #period #women
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The given bar chart provides information and gives a helicopter view concerning the percentage of smoking between
women
Use synonyms
 and
men
Use synonyms
 .
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 reached the lowest
rate
Use synonyms
 of smoking than
Correct your spelling
men
mens
Correct your spelling
men
 Generally speaking, the
rate
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 smoking reached
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 high of almost 27% in comparison with 
womens
Correct your spelling
women
women's
rate
Use synonyms
 which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is over 20% .
As well as
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the lowest smoking figure in
women
Use synonyms
 was about 11%.
Also
Linking Words
,
regarding
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 were plunged to 16% due
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 first number.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, we can see that there
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a striking similarities in
numbers
Correct article usage
the numbers
show examples
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 who
smokes
Correct subject-verb agreement
smoke
show examples
within
Change preposition
with
show examples
 approximately over 16%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the
steadly
Correct your spelling
steady
 growth of
womens
Correct your spelling
women's
women
 smoking
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
23%.
Then
Linking Words
,
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the second diagram it
clear
Add a missing verb
is clear
show examples
to say
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that the number of
gentleman
Change to a plural noun
gentlemen
show examples
 smoking decreased
daramatically
Correct your spelling
dramatically
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
 the next following
graph
Add a comma
graph,
show examples
 it
is show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 us that the
rate
Use synonyms
 of humankind smoking
were getting dropped
Wrong verb form
is dropping
show examples
 time by time.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
to say
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 proportion of
men
Use synonyms
 suddenly rowed to below 15%.
Also
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
spoted
Correct your spelling
spotted
sported
 the lowest figure
wich
Correct your spelling
which
show examples
 is more than 10%.
Submitted by manalalmoasharji on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men, rate with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • ratio
  • trends
  • cultural factors
  • societal influences
  • biological factors
  • awareness campaigns
  • public health initiatives
  • correlated declines
  • social factors
  • economic factors
  • stress levels
  • employment status
  • education levels
  • income
  • advertising
  • tobacco industry
  • marketing tactics
  • demographics
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