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Band 7.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other. Others argue that people have become more independent. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
In the modern era, there is a debate about whether
people
 are becoming more independent or whether they still rely on each other for basic necessities. I believe that
due to
 advancements in technology and increasing internet access,
people
 are becoming more liberated and living life
according to
 their own rules. Those who argue that
people
 are still reliant on each other have a valid point.
To begin
 with,
children
 depend on their
parents
 for food, shelter, and education.
This
 dependency ensures that
children
 have a secure future, as their basic needs are met by their
parents
.
However
, if
this
 reliance extends beyond a certain age, it might hinder personal growth.
For example
, in India, many
parents
 continue to support their
children
 financially and keep them in the family home even after they are mature.
This
 practice shows that some
people
 remain bound to each other, which can limit their independence and prevent them from becoming self-sufficient.
On the other hand
,
while
 some
people
 may still be dependent on each other, there is a growing trend, especially among younger generations, to become more independent. Advancements in technology and the widespread availability of the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 have made it easier for
people
 to become self-sufficient.
For instance
, remote jobs have become more accessible, allowing
people
 to earn a living even in less developed countries.
Additionally
, many
parents
 are now sending their
children
 abroad at a young age to take advantage of better opportunities and encourage self-reliance. These trends clearly indicate that
people
 are increasingly embracing independence. In my opinion, it is a basic duty for
parents
 to provide for their
children
, but
this
 should be limited to a certain age.
This
 does not necessarily mean that we are becoming more dependent on each other.
Instead
, with the benefits of technology, we are promoting a free-spirited environment where independence is valued and encouraged.
Submitted by sanakalsi3736 on

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task achievement
You have addressed the task effectively, covering both viewpoints and giving your own opinion. To improve, include more detailed and diverse examples that further substantiate your points.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the coherence and cohesion, aim for slightly smoother transitions between ideas. Your essay is well-organized but sometimes may benefit from more varied linking words.
coherence cohesion
Your essay opens with a clear and strong introduction, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your stance.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure with clear main points and supportive arguments.
task achievement
You have provided a balanced discussion, addressing both views and offering a clear opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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