IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, younger people are neglecting their right to vote. What problems does this cause and what are some of the possible solutions?

#countries #people #right #vote
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In certain countries around the globe,
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
 generation are refusing to vote.
This
 essay will examine particular causes of
this
 trend and possible solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 issue. The two main causes of
this
 problem are lack of awareness amongst
youth
 and fear of
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
 degree. Parents,
esspecially
Correct your spelling
especially
 in developing countries, do not pay enough attention to their children's political education.
In addition
, most of the school's
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
also
 do not contain subjects related to politics, which leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of knowledge and interest in
people
's early ages. Because of the
authoritorian
Correct your spelling
authoritarian
govenment
Correct your spelling
government
 and
paucity
Correct article usage
the paucity
show examples
 of valid and transparent data from them,
people
 are afraid of voting. The reason behind
that is
 fear of losing comfort or any harm to themselves and their relatives.
Therefore
people
are not tend
Change the verb form
do not tend
show examples
 to do any of the political actions. Some of the possible solutions to
this
 problem are promoting awareness
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 time and providing transparency of data. Enlightening
youth
 about the significance of selections to
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
overall
 development will provide clearness in their minds since teenage times, and
also
 younger
people
 will feel
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsible
responsibility
 for not only
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
show examples
 country's bright future.
Moreover
,
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 transparent policy will ,ultimately, alter
youth's
Correct article usage
the youth's
show examples
government
 perception in
the
Change the article
a
show examples
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 way.
For instance
,in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and Europe,
people
 who participate in selections are younger
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
avarage
Correct your spelling
average
 than in some developing countries
due to
Correct article usage
the abilty
show examples
abilty
Correct your spelling
ability
 to see any
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
information about
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 actions .
To conclude
, because of problems in upbringing and lack of trust in
government
 lead to ignorance of their right to vote from younger
people
.
However
, enlightening
youth
 and
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 transparent policy can make
this
 situation much better.
Submitted by IELTS nis on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Review grammar and spelling to improve accuracy, such as 'esspecially' (especially), 'govenment' (government), 'authoritorian' (authoritarian), 'paucity' (scarcity), 'tend to do' (tend not to do), 'selections' (elections), 'responsibilty' (responsibility), 'clearness' (clarity), 'possitive' (positive), 'avarage' (average), and 'abity' (ability).
task achievement
Increase the depth and breadth of supporting points. Provide more specific examples and detailed explanations for how fostering awareness or government transparency can encourage youth voting.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure variety and clarity. Avoid repetitive structures and ensure each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning.
organization
Clear structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, problem discussion, solutions, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Appropriate use of transitional phrases such as 'in addition,' 'moreover,' and 'for instance' to guide the reader through the essay.
task achievement
Identified two main causes (lack of awareness and fear of government) and proposed clear solutions (promoting awareness and providing transparency). This shows good understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • democratic process
  • political instability
  • skewed representation
  • governance
  • erosion
  • civic education
  • alienation
  • policy-making
  • accessible
  • incentives
What to do next:
Look at other essays: