IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The way children spend their free time has been altered by new technologies. Are the benefits of this greater than the drawbacks? Give reasons for your answer and include relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

#children #time #technologies
Hobbies play a very important role in shaping the personality of
children
. These days
technology
use
 has replaced physical activities that
children
 must be highly involved in. I believe that the benefits and the drawbacks of
this
 change are equal in amount. In today's world,
technology
 has totally changed the scope of learning. All the
top quality
Add a hyphen
top-quality
show examples
teaching material is available online. The educational content is created in the most creative and absorbing ways tailored for
children
. There are creative word and number games that help
children
 build vocabulary and strengthen math skills. Easy access to these innovations creates great educational benefits. The rising increase in the
use
 of
technology
 in free
time
 has cut off physical activity.
This
 creates health issues
such
 as eyesight weakness and body posture change. Staying glued to screens for hours results in these problems. During screen
time
 the body and mind do not coordinate.
This
 is a big drawback of the
use
 of mobiles and tablets during free
time
.
To conclude
, it is very important for
children
 to balance their hobbies between physical activities,
such
 as sports and exercise, and
technology
use
,
such
 as educational games and apps. The pros and cons of a high increase in media usage during free
time
 by
children
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 are equal.
Submitted by hudibaiqbal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, and you have addressed both the benefits and drawbacks of new technologies on children's free time. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to improve logical flow.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear and relevant, with good use of language. However, try to include more specific examples and elaboration to support your points further. For instance, mention specific educational games or apps that are beneficial.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and concise, providing a clear overview of your argument.
task achievement
You have addressed both the positives and negatives of the impact of technology on children's free time, offering a balanced perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • educational resources
  • technological skills
  • face-to-face interactions
  • communication skills
  • creativity
  • problem-solving skills
  • inappropriate content
  • mental and emotional well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: