In most developed countries shopping is not only about buying the goods you need, it is also perceived as entertainment. Is it a positive or negative development?
In modern days, entertainment is not only watching TV shows or going to some popular amusement park with our families but, we can entertain ourselves just by shopping. There are some downsides and advantages to
this
situation
, therefore
, in this
essay
I will discuss why we should agree Add a comma
essay,
this
situation
is negative for most developed countries.
Firstly
, entertainment is one of numerous
needs that must be fulfilled Add an article
the numerous
due
to pursue happiness in our Change preposition
apply
life
. Shopping for entertainment is done by all people, Fix the agreement mistake
lives
this
habit can lead us to financial problems because everyone is buying everything, even something which they do not need, nonetheless
; they are not financial freedom. This
situation
can lead them to stress because of their needs
to update their gadgets or just Fix the agreement mistake
need
buying
trendy shoes, Wrong verb form
buy
on the other hand
, their essential needs not
yet fulfilled Add a missing verb
are not
due to
their big expenses. This
situation
forced them to borrow some money
and commit criminal acts to fulfil their impulsive behavior
.
There are merits Change the spelling
behaviour
from
Change preposition
to
this
situation
, they will experience growth in their economic sector because there will be a huge amount of money
in their money
cycle, nevertheless
; many work opportunities will be opened and investors will invest their money
due to
this
financial growth. Besides
that, many sectors will experience a huge development because of these hedonism
Replace the word
hedonistic
behaviors
in society. Many gadgets are becoming more advanced Change the spelling
behaviours
due
to comply Change preposition
apply
their
consumer needs, Change preposition
with their
this
situation
can help anything done faster because of technological development happened
in all sectors.
In conclusion, we can entertain ourselves just by Wrong verb form
happening
walk in
near parks with our loved ones or just having dinner with our families, we do not need Add a hyphen
walk-in
shop
to entertain ourselves because Fix the infinitive
to shop
this
habit can create a hedonism behavior
and stress because of the need to update unimportant things or forced to buy unnecessary Change the spelling
behaviour
stuffs
for our lives.Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
Submitted by riani.the2 on
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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the logical progression of ideas could be improved. Try to make your points flow more naturally from one to the next.
task achievement
While you have addressed the task and provided reasons for considering shopping as a form of entertainment to be a negative development, your ideas could be expressed more clearly. Some sentences are a bit awkward or confusing, which affects clarity.
task achievement
Your main points are supported, but they could be further developed with more specific examples or detailed explanations. This would strengthen your argument and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction that sets up the topic and your stance, as well as a conclusion that summarizes your main points effectively.
task achievement
You have made a logical effort to weigh both the negative and positive aspects of shopping as entertainment, which shows a balanced approach.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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