IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last years. Discuss the causes and effect of this issue disturbing trend.

#percentage #children #society #years #effect #trend
Statistics showed that the number of obese
children
 has grown by nearly 20% in the western nations
last
 year. In
this
 essay, I am going to discuss the reasons and results of
this
 worrying trend.
Firstly
, there are two major issues associated with childhood obesity which are unbalanced diet and insufficient sleep. In
this
 fast-paced generation, fast food becomes the top choice for kids when they are hungry because it is tasty and convenient.
Nonetheless
, consuming too much fatty food and beverages that are high in sugar can cause diabetes and heart problems.
Moreover
,
children
 now stay up late
due to
 their addiction to mobile games. Inadequate sleep leads to inefficient metabolism,
thus
, fat gradually compiles in our body. These two problems are the main negative impacts on the physical health of
children
.
Secondly
, being overweight can have long-term effects on
children
’s mental health and learning abilities. Some kids get bullied or mocked at school simply
due to
 their body shape,
this
 can lead to low confidence and hardship in building self-esteem, or even worse, depression.
Besides
, obesity
also
 results in low concentration, and lack of energy,
as a consequence
,
children
 can not pay attention to the class,
hence
, perform worse in their studies and lose interest in learning. In conclusion, childhood obesity can be a serious problem for our society since our
children
 are the pillars of the future.
This
 not only can damage kid’s physical health but
also
 impair their mental status.
These potential long-term harm
Change the determiner
This potential long-term harm
These potential long-term harms
show examples
 to
children
 should be seriously confronted.
Submitted by wendy190427 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the points made, perhaps adding specific examples or additional details to enhance clarity and depth. This will help support your main points effectively and increase the comprehensiveness of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a more fluid connection between paragraphs. Use linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your arguments seamlessly.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets the stage by stating the main issue and your intention to discuss causes and effects. This provides a clear framework for the essay.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing different aspects, and a strong conclusion. This contributes positively to the overall coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health concern
  • sedentary behavior
  • high-calorie, low-nutrient
  • processed foods
  • physical activity
  • genetic predispositions
  • type 2 diabetes
  • cardiovascular diseases
  • psychological issues
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • social and economic effects
  • healthcare systems
  • life expectancy
  • academic performance
  • future productivity
  • public health campaigns
  • food industry practices
  • nutrition
  • lifestyle choices
What to do next:
Look at other essays: