IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say free time activities for children should be organized by parents. Others say that children should be free to choose what they do in their free time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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These days, lifestyles have been changing from the past
time
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 and
children
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's free
time
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 is an important thing for their
parents
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, so a group of people believe it is necessary that
parents
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 make a plan for their
children
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's lasuir
time
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while
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 other ones think that young generations ought to make a schedule for their
time
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. I subscribe to the first idea;
moreover
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, in my opinion,
this
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 has several benefits that can overshadow the drawbacks inasmuch as the
parents
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 have more experience than their
children
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. On the one hand, if
parents
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 make a decision for their
children
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's spare
time
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, they will be more success owing to the
fact
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 that they have a lot of experience that can help
children
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 to improve their abilities better than the prior
time
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. To illustrate, when my mother tells me to do
things
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such
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 as go to sports class, English class, and so forth, most of the
time
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 these
things
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 help me to show my best talents in my not only study but
also
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 work;
nevertheless
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, many
time
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 these planes waste my
time
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due to
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 the
fact
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 that these methods are old.
On the other hand
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, if
children
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 choose their free
time
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 categories, they might falt because they do not know what it is good for them and what
things
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 have a lot of negative points;
furthermore
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, The Internet and other social media cannot help them really good on account of the
fact
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 that they show the best view of
things
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, not their issues.
To conclude
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,
parents
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 have various matters in their plan;
although
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, it is crucial that their thinks are better than younger people in view of the
fact
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 that they know everything and the aspects of them;
additionally
Linking Words
, they can find the perfect
things
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 better than their
children
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.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion, try to enhance the logical flow between paragraphs. For example, use more linking words and phrases to clearly connect your ideas and make the argument flow smoothly from one point to the next.
task achievement
Ensure every main point is supported with specific and relevant examples. Your examples could be more diverse and well-explained to fully support your arguments.
general
Avoid repetitive phrases or words. This can make your essay easier to read and more engaging. Try varying your sentence structures to maintain the reader's interest.
task achievement
The essay touches on both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced approach to the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present making the structure clearer.
task achievement
There are some relevant examples to support the main points, reflecting an effort to substantiate the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced development
  • expose children to
  • tailored activities
  • promote discipline
  • foster independence
  • genuine interests
  • free play
  • problem-solving skills
  • emotional well-being
  • unstructured time
  • personal exploration
  • structured activities
What to do next:
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