IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that in order to reduce the rising obesity among children the school administration should make it necessary for every child to participate in sports and other outdoor activities. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #obesity #children #school #administration #child #sports #activities
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In the
last
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 decades, the outdoor activities in some
schools
Use synonyms
 around the world have attracted several arguments and drawn the spotlight. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
exercise
Use synonyms
 in the educational environment has many benefits for
children
Use synonyms
,
while
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 others argue that training in the same place where
children
Use synonyms
 learn has many drawbacks.
This
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 essay will explain why training in
schools
Use synonyms
 to reduce obesity is vital for
people
Use synonyms
's lives and has many advantages. First of all, there is a social reason why researchers think that less amount of obese
people
Use synonyms
 have many benefits.
Although
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 the likely positive impacts of workouts among
children
Use synonyms
 in high
school
Use synonyms
 must be taken into account, they still determine that
exercise
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 has in many ways, massively enriched
people
Use synonyms
's lives. To elaborate, a well-known Saudi Arabian philosopher once said "Imposing rules on the
school
Use synonyms
 administration to allocate places for
children
Use synonyms
 to
exercise
Use synonyms
 leads to a healthy society without any
health
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 issues in the future".
Overall
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, I believe if
schools
Use synonyms
 allocate classes to outwork, that will have significant benefits on the
health
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 of
people
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.
In addition
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 to the social, another factor that should be considered is the
health
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 reason. As far as society is concerned, the ultimate aim of doing training in the
school
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 is to raise awareness.
For instance
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, a recent article published by The Discover reveals that about 65% of
people
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 want their
children
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 to learn how to work out in
school
Use synonyms
 in Saudi Arabia. Indeed,
this
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 is a clear indication that individuals need their
children
Use synonyms
 to have better
health
Use synonyms
 in their lives to reduce the chance of diseases. In conclusion, many
people
Use synonyms
 hold the view that doing
exercise
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
 is important for the social and healthy reasons outlined above.
Overall
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,
it is clear that
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 training has many advantages in the long term.
Submitted by sulltaqeel on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or statistics to make your arguments even more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetitive phrases like 'training in schools'; instead, use synonyms or rephrase to maintain reader interest.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in structuring the ideas logically.
task achievement
The task is generally addressed, with arguments for why exercise is beneficial in schools.
task achievement
The essay includes references to studies and philosophical thoughts, which add depth to the arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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